The Love of God is Beautiful.

2007-07-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

After a whole afternoon of dabbling with wordpress and LJ, I have decided to switch to wordpress.

So there peeeps, I've moved to www.huiyingg.wordpress.com !

Find me there :D

2007-06-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

I heard this on TV:

" I don't know what is love, but I know what it isn't! "

Such strong words but how true that actually is. Many times we realise that we know the negavity of one thing more than the good of it. For example, we know that we are wrong and that is usually the only thing we are right about. It is kind of sad if you were to think about it...

Oh well.

Comtemplating a move to LJ or Wordpress soon. Any suggestions?

2007-06-25T03:44:00.001-07:00

I came home a little earlier today. Dinner is not even ready as I typed my words here. I remembered the many times when dinner was cooked but I was not home yet for it. This small reversal of roles disturbs me a little, but I am smiling as I typed my words here.

Things have been good since my Orang Asli Trip, but I really couldn't find the time to sit down and recount everything here. Yet in my heart I fear that the more I drag my memory, the less accurate they might turn out to be. My eyes just ran through entries that two of my friends posted. Rachel put up something about her Laos trip and Jasmin, her Germany trip. I am hearten because as I read their writings, I know they are doing great in the Lord. That alone makes me smiled as I typed my words here.

I am still waiting for the photos from the Orang Asli Trip.

You know a lot of times, we go about our lives, toiling and dragging our feet through the day only to discover at the end of the day we don't even know why we try so hard. Sometimes we don't even know who do we try so hard for. When I read Rachel's post, I know it is going to inspire many people. And I know everyone is going to see how meaningful she has been leading her life there and even here in Singapore. The bottomline is not what she does that is meaningful but who she is doing it for. And I know deep down that the joy of the Lord is so evident that she must share it with others.

For in 2Cor4:6
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us he light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ

In the Orang Asli villages, once the sun set, everywhere else is pitch black. Because they do not have electricity, darkness knows no boundary there. A simple torch can light up a whole area there.

Many times I wish to share the light with friends whose hearts are fast being engulfed by darkness. I think of how life will be different if they have a good reason to wake up to everyday. I wonder how it will be for them to have their hearts bursting with the joy of the Lord like how I feel. I wish for many things, and I hope that I will not stop at just wishing, but will one day be able to see it come to past.

I can't wait to see Rachel again!

2007-06-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

Mosquito Bites Count:

Left leg: 6 bites
Right leg: 9 bites
Left arm: 2 bites
Right arm: 6 bites
Neck: 2 bites
Face: 2 bites

Total: 27 bites

I hate mozzies. But it is all worth it!

2007-06-20T08:54:00.000-07:00

I am back!

I love the mission trip and I heart my bathroom.

:D

2007-06-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

Feelings are way too fragile for anybody.

Feelings and emotions that are laced with so many intricated strings attached, how can anyone be up to the match? Handling with feelings is like playing with fire, one wrong move can send the tide toppling to the extreme.

Or handling feelings could be like handling dry ice. If you do it right, it will be very fun. But if you mishandled it, the dry ice will literally bite your hand. And they say females are complicated. I attribute it largely to the fact that we feel way too much for our own good.

This is why I say females should always date a guy. Much more easier to handle than you know, your girlfriend.

Hahah.

2007-06-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

Do you know what bugs me the most during work?

When the patients stroll in one by one instead of coming all at once. The moment I plonked myself onto the comfy chair, the second patient will come and I'll have to stand up again.

The feeling is so... URGH!

But of course there are times when you encounter patients that makes it so hard for you not to frown.

Patient: Do I need to take off my shoes?
Me: No, you DON'T have to.
Patient: *Proceed to remove his shoes*

Then ask me for what!

I call this 'character moulding'. Hahahah. :D

I am desperately in need of more sleep because I am barely clocking 5 hours everyday. I need a bed... I need my comforter...

Because I am quite tied up with the mission trainings and stuff, I kind of miss my outside friends already.

I miss peishan! And I miss michelle.
I miss chiteng and that stupid leep.
I miss persis chua and deborah chen.
I miss yuzheng! And I miss training.
I miss sean's kong rubbish!

Tsk. I haven't even pack my bags yet.

2007-06-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

It is kind of funny how you think that you don't remember certain things but realised to your horror that you always do. So I concluded to myself that hey, maybe I am not as forgetful as I made myself out to be.

Anyway, mission trip this thursday all the way to next week! I can barely wait! (:

These past days have been spent doing a couple of things. And one included the yanking of the band-aid off a still pretty raw wound that I told myself to forget. And I guess at maybe some point of time I probably did, yet couldn't help but go back to the dark place for a while.

But God said in His word in 2Cor12:9 that His grace is sufficient for me. And I am still learning to hold on to that. Yet I believe still very muchly that as long as God is in charge, it will eventually be alright.

Aferall, faith is believing the unseen isn't it? And faith is when you can't trace God's hands in the things that are happening to you but you choose to trust His heart. Faith comes from the love for God.

I am so mumbling to myself nowadays.

I wish we didnt have this in common.

2007-06-09T10:34:00.000-07:00

Complete - Parachute Band

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord.
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

2007-06-07T23:01:00.001-07:00

My results are okay, by God's grace.

I woke up this morning to check the results and after viewing it, the first thing I said was 'Thank You Lord'. Because without His grace I wouldn't be able to attain such results. It is not fantastic but at least I didn't see a 'C' this semester. And even though I thought I might not make it for the 2 most-widely feared modules(namely Thermo and Organic Chem), I didn't fail!

And oh Karen, I got an A for his module! See cute tutors are effective teachers. Tested(literally) and proven. Heh. I think my friend is very amused by me. =| Again, God's grace for the A. Because despite all the distraction(him..) during the lessons and the inability to focus on the right thing(look at your tutorial not him!), I still manage to make it. Haha. Nina you must get A too :D

I recall my conversation with a certain someone last night. It again amazes me at how God choose to work sometime. And I couldn't thank Him enough for being this crystal clear(pun intended if you know what I am talking about). Anyway, it got me thinking for quite a while now.

And I still haven't stop thinking about it.

It's kind of draining me emotionally and mentally with all those thinking and dwelling, but I am asking for more energy and strength. Geez, I don't want to act like a 80 year-old woman. Haha.

Recharge, for there is work to do.

2007-06-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

Trust in His heart even when you don't see His hands.

I learned that a while ago and it wasn't easy.

Reach for His heart, walk closer to His heartbeat...

"Be brave. I know you will" he said.

And yes I have been, like I always will be, with God holding the easily frozen hands of mine.

Then I'll be fine.

2007-06-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

Obedience is always better than sacrifice.

And it seems one day I will pay dearly for my laziness.

2007-06-04T00:48:00.000-07:00

I spent the whole of Vesak Day watching my hk show. And it reminded me again why I love hk drama so much. Now that US TV shows are on hiatus, I finally have time to watch/rewatch my hk shows.

I just finished a show by Ma Jun Wei and now I finally understand why minghui likes him so much. He looks good with specs and has a nice voice. I keep telling chit that maybe I have something for guys with the surname 'Ma', because Ma De Zhong is one of my favourite TVB actor too.

So when I was just watching the shows, I can't help but realise the difference between hk drama and US TV. I can safely point out that both are equally captivating(maybe because I am a tv junkie).

US TV shows boast good storyline, great plots and unusual themes. Shows like Heroes and Friday Night Lights win the audience over with their impressive plots and themes. As for Grey's, with a team of great writers and producers, it is no wonder that it claims the No.1 spot.

The thing about the American actors is that they do act well, but pale in comparisons to the Hong Kong actors. I can only think of Hugh Laurie when I think of impressive American actor. And maybe Felicity Huffman. But Hugh is British to start with. Anyway, I think it is hardly the actors that captivate the audience, the plot needs to stand out on its own to be able to do well.

However if you look at Hong Kong TVB dramas, they do not have super elaborated plots like US shows. They have no special effects nor scientifically enthralling stories like CSI or Numb3rs. The story lines are hardly bold, due to a relatively conservative Asian society. But what is it that makes them so successful?

The actors.

TVB actors are trained professionals who do their job very well. You hardly get newbies who act like a piece of log(think Channel 8 newbies) or normal performance from the veteran actors. When the veteran actors act, they shine. I think if you were to compare the leading actresses in TVB and American TV, you will know that the TVB actresses can cry on a whim. That alone makes their whole act more convincing than than some prime time actresses who cant even shed a tear when required.

A good example of superb acting will be one by Guo Ke Yin in Jiu Dian Feng Yun. She is already a household name but I felt that she did exceptionally well in that show. Together with Joe Ma, they made it so hard for the audience to guess who was the 'bad guy' or 'good guy'.

Because they kept lying to each other, there are a couple of scenes that were emotionally charged but she carried it off very well. I remember there was one scene when she had to quarrel with Joe Ma and to initiate a breakup. She flared up and when she turned to leave him, her tears flowed as if they had already knew how to synchronise with the scene. Fabulous performance, as expected of her.

Maybe because in TVB, the scripts are completed and the whole story is finalised before they start shooting, that makes TVB dramas flow more smoothly than US TV. US TV shows adopt a much more flexible method where scripts are written episode by episode and they shoot each episode weekly before airing it. This makes room for changes but it sometimes also disrupt the fluidity of the show.

Okay I shall rant no more. I heart MaJunWei and MaDeZhong (:

And to karen: please go for consultation with him! at least u have the chance to. I didnt because he was overseas for business trip. :(

Debs, FOC are lame thats why I never went for any. Which orientation camp did you sign up for?

MaJunWei and Ron Ng

Looks good when he frowns. hahaha

I like the both of them together. It's so 'awwww'

Ultra dashing in a suit, hor michelle? (:

2007-06-03T21:31:00.001-07:00

The week has passed. According to Thaddeus, my update is nothing but short, so I shall declare that I am going to have a long update today.

Team outing on monday was very fun even though only 7 of us showed up. We were missing Van(York), Rach(Cambodia), Jasmin(Germany), Mindy(States) and Xintian(Headache). But it was still nice and fuzzy. We decided to dine at Sushi Tei and I thought it was a rather good though expensive choice.

So we sat there, talking about our lives. We reminisced about our canoeing days together, updated each other about what's happening now and speculated a little about the future. All these under the dark night sky. Me and shumin decided to cab home(Yay!) and God answered my prayer by providing a cab in the most unusual way.

And it was good time on the cab again! Going home with shumin has always been good times. We talked, we discussed and we debated about everything and anything. It's such a pity that I don't often get the chance to talk and go home with her.

Cp team outing on friday was not bad too. We dined at Kenny Rogers and tingyi even thoughtfully prepared a game for us. I had the luck to actually win one of the prize (: And my dear roomie won the other one, together I think we make a good team hahah. It was good food, great company and we played the night away.

I had to bunk in with peishan because of an early dental appt on saturday. By the time we reached her house, I was already half asleep and before I knew it, I was REALLY asleep. She woke me up a couple of times because she was sleeping all over the place but I still had a great night sleep. Haha. (:

You know we should avoid attending wedding dinners like the one Leepeng's sister held. The love songs, sweet atmosphere and blissful newly-wed will somehow throw you into a potent blend of illusion. And thats what weddings do to you, I was told. That you will have the want to get married too!

Don't you laugh at me because even peishan agree that it seems so nice to get married. Oh yes! Let's find her a good guy soon. (: Anyway, the food was very tasteful especially the shark fin. We just entertained ourselves while the dinner progressed and I feel happy that the newly-wed are going to be really happy ever after.

But then when I recall that I dont have a room to stay next semester, I don't know how to feel anymore. I guess the only thing I could do now is to pray real hard to God for Him to provide a way. Hello NTU, do you know how far you are away from Hougang? Do you know I really need to have a hall if not I will be waking up at 630am for my 930am lecture. Which is a damn evil thing to make me do. Sigh, please be nice. :(

I haven't finish rambling.

2007-05-27T19:17:00.000-07:00

A little short update on the past week.

Wednesday saw me heading out to Vivo City(again!) after work with Jerry and Debo to have dinner. Spontaneously, we decided to catch Pirates and to my horror, it was a tad too long and ended quite late. Other than that, Johnny Depp absolutely make up for the horror by giving a quirky and wonderful performance in the movie.

When you have watched Part 1, Part 2, it seemed inevitable to catch Part 3 too. The company was even better. We dined at a HK cafe before proceeding to shopping while waiting for the movie to start. I think its dangerous to shop with Jeremiah because he is so rich, he encourages you to buy tops that have prices that are over the top(pun intended).

Me: Wah $53 for a top? I think it's too expensive.
Jerry: $53? Okay what, I think it's nice and you should buy it. $53 is not expensive.
Me: -_-"

But other than that, he is quite a good sport because he accompanies me and deb around without whining or complaining. I think we made him spent at least an hour in Forever21 with us. Hahaha.

Charlene! I met up with deborah okay! It was really fun spending time with her, listening to her talk about her life. And it encourages me greatly to see her growing so much spiritually in her walk with God. Deb, we really must spend more time together already. (: Go out often okay.

Thursday and Friday were peaceful, I enjoyed myself at home. Hahaha. I woke up late for the Ref Course on saturday but thank God I wasnt as late as I imagined myself to be. The ref course was conducted in Lecture style and I'm glad to be learning so many technical rules about game. I thought the conductor was not bad because he seems like he knows what he is saying.

I had service and a wonderful time of fellowship with the cell. Sunday had mission training which stretched for quite long. But nonetheless, it was an awesome time and it made me think. In the good way, not the bad way when I watch Greys then anyhow think. The story of the 5 missionaries opened my eyes to the Works of His hand. And although I am not an instant gratification kind of person(I rebuke that thinking severely), I do find myself spiritually short-sighted many times.

Maybe it's like what Sam says, I know the problem but has been too lazy to make an effort to rectify it. You know there are days when you feel so weary and you ask God why does He makes things so difficult for you sometimes. I found out yesterday that it is called 'unneccessary and excessive whining'. Whining like a baby.

If I will just open my eyes to what God is doing and what He is going to do, I wouldnt have time to grumble about how unfair life is. If I did look around, life is not about fairness. It is about making everyday count for Jesus. A few years back I would have rebutt that sentence and said, ' Yeah right, easier said than done!'

But what hits home is that if I would just walk closer to God each day and hear His heartbeat, things like making the right decisions will come naturally. It doesnt have to be very hard, I just got to stick close to God.

Like what I told my rgs girl, admist all these craziness and sadness, I would like very much to hang on to my only constant and that's Jesus. I feel sorry that He is just a history character to so many people around. If only they could see what He is doing..

If we would just see, if we would just listen.

I complained to yz and shiyun a few days ago on why people don't listen to me when I am right about things. I would be the one saying 'See I told you so' at the end of the day when my friends will remorsefully tell me 'You are really right'. It's not I think I am damn smart, it is just because I knew I was right. If only I am this good with exam questions -_-"

Anyway, who am I to say that! I wondered how many times God tells me something and yet I did not obey. And He knows EVERYTHING and ANYTHING. If I did not listen to the God who knows absolutely everything, who am I to show distaste when my friends do not trust in what I say? Even if I may be right, I am still in no position to whine. Steven Curtis Chapman will tell you: God is God, and I am man.

On a lighter note, I conversed shortly with my dear nina via sms today. She told me THE shocking(saddening) news and I think I understand how she feels. Nina don't be sad at least your tutor is proven to be straight. Mine still have people speculating that he could very well be gay. Although I see no signs of gayness in him *growls*

You know once you slip and fell in that slipper of yours, you will never trust it again. It is like you can still go around wearing it but the fear of falling will always be there. Simply because that slipper let you down once. You could pretend that you are okay with the slipper(we all do) but that doesn't mean that you approve of what it did.

Just like what Maroon 5 sings: If you did not hit the ground, doesn't mean that you are not still falling.

This week looks great. Team outing tonight. Training tmr. Missions training on Wed. Holiday on Thurs. Cp team outing on fri. Cell outing on sat(?). Wedding dinner on sun. Packed but looking forward to everything! (:

2007-05-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose

- Jim Elliot

Truly inspiring.

2007-05-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

I have a distant look in my eyes. Something that keeps people in but keeps them all out at the same time. I saw him approaching, keen to speak and on the edge of his seat. But I maintained my look, so much so that he started to withdraw. And finally had to be contented with not asking and just sitting.

I can't explain when did that look creeps into my soul. But I may be able to tell you how long it will stay. There are often many days where I wish it will continue because then I don't have to be accountable to anyone. Because they wouldn't ask. They don't dare to. And I would be safe.

So I can get lost in my own world thinking about the scar. The scar that serves as an invisible reminder to my wrong. I could never forgive myself for that. My words, they do not speak for themselves. My heart seems to be pulsating for any other reasons other than my own. I wonder if it is for you.

Elliot Perlman is scarily captivating. In an odd, non-comformist way.

Anyway, good food and great company seem to be on a roll since last week. Sunday saw me eating at a chinese restaurant with my family. Almost everyone turned up. The food was not my kind(except the shark fin) but it was definitely fun seeing all the aunties, uncles and cousins.

It was followed by monday's dinner with Shiyun. We dined at NYDC after much deliberation and whining from both sides. NYDC's desserts never fail to impress and we found ourselves very full at the end. Shiyun is officially the only person I know that eats whipped cream besides me. *clap clap* And she is an avid Grey's fan just like me. This is why we are friends even though she bullies me like crazy. Haha.

Alright so now I will rant about TV. I didn't managed to catch much this weekend. But I did catch Grey's Season 3 finale and I must say I am bewildered.

*Spoiler Alert*

I hate it when Derek gives a moving speech with that misty eyes of his. Did I tell you I have a soft spot for misty eyes? It is not alluring like Wentworth Miller. It's misty. And dreamy. And I always, always, fall for it. Damn.

When he looks at Meredith with that misty eyes of his, every word he said seemed to be from the bottom of his heart. It is as if he was a small puppy, pleading with her to commit. Okay, even if he did redeemed himself in this episode, I still think maybe they should just break up, since they are way too messed up already. Hahah.

But my heart goes out to George and Bailey, Christina and Burke. I knew when George took the test, he would fail it. Yet I did not forsee Callie being the Chief Resident rather than Bailey. That took me by surprise. I guess season 4 has a lot of explaining to do.

I am angry at Burke for calling off the wedding. Of all people, I did not expect him to be the one to back off at the last minute. If he knows that she is in it, why did he leave her? I thought the Christina-Burke's wedding story plot has been developed quite nicely along the way. But I think the ending kind of spoil everything.

One thing I disliked was when Meredith keep pushing Christina to get married because she needs to know that it is possible to get a 'happily ever after' ending. It is as if she was in denial about her failing relationship and she needed something happy to stop thinking about it. Christina is right to tell her that 'It is not about you now. It is about me.'

I always thought throughout the 3 Seasons of Greys, Christina and Burke has the strongest relationship to boast. Look at Izzie-Danny, Izzie-Alex, Izzie-George, George-Callie, George-Meredith, Meredith-Derek, Meredith-Finn, Derek-Addison, Addison-Mark, Richard-Adele, and many many more. All these relationships were shaky and some last, some didn't and one died.

But for Christina and Burke, even through dark moments like Burke getting shot and massive fights like the hand tremors incident, Christina and Burke have always been sure. They had put their hearts in this and never once thought of giving up or cheating on one another. That's a marvelous feat actually, consider the amount of drama every character went through.

So in my heart I hope they survived this wedding crap too. If they don't, we can safely conclude that the Grey's writers are a bunch of sadists and they never ever want any of their characters to be truly happy. BOOHOO.

And oh, Alex is back being an arse after being the nice guy for a while. I can't believe he picked Addison up just to get over Ava. Lucky Addison, being one of my favorite character, is being able to stop him and knock some sense into the confused boy.

I hope september comes soon, when a brand-new Greys Season 4 awaits me. (:

Arthritis hurts. I wish it would go away like the rain.

2007-05-19T10:18:00.000-07:00

There is probably more than one way in getting there.
BUT why are they always digging up the road I need?

Random.

I will save my ranting after I reviewed Grey's Season 3 finale. Heheh.

2007-05-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

There are days where you just have to disagree on EVERYTHING people says. I can't help but start all my sentences with 'BUT', which is a tad disturbing actually.

"If you have no appetite, why don't you drink the mushroom soup? I heard it's nice."
"BUT the soup got tons of pepper. I HATE pepper."

"Don't you like this drink?"
"BUT it tastes weird today!"

"I thought you are having a sore throat? Why are you eating my fried calamari?"
"BUT my throat feels fine now!"

"You always ask people to see a doc when they are sick, why arent you doing the same now?"
"BUT I have no fever already!"

"The ice cream is 14bucks."
"BUT I thought it's $11."

BUT BUT BUT. Urgh. I wish the virus would go away soon, if not all these whining, I mean, disagreeing will continue for some time.. Sigh.

2007-05-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

Derek is an arse.

Spoiler Alert!

Derek: I met a woman last night.
Meredith: You met a woman last night?
Derek: At Joe's. Nothing happened. She was pretty, I noticed and we talked.
Meredith: So should I be worrried that you met a woman last night?
Derek: Should you be worried that I met a woman? No.. Should you be worried that flirting with that woman was the highlight of my week? Yeah you should be worried.

Oh my. I think he is being an absolute arse. Meredith had the intern exam, the deaths of her two mothers to mull over and all Derek can be is this sarcastic jerk that is such a far cry from the McDreamy we used to know. AIYAH BREAK UP LAH. After all the shit they went through at the end he is this whining boyfriend and she is this clueless girlfriend. Maybe they aren't meant to be together.

Drama. Tsk.

2007-05-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

They were right. From the moment you wake up to the time you fall asleep, you are filled with questions. I am filled with questions almost every part of the day. Some of us verbalise the questions all the time and get mixed reactions. The rest of us internalised the questions, without any need for the answers. There are some questions that we have always wanted to ask, but dare not because we fear the answers are not what we want to hear. Even more so, some questions are so dangerous, the truth is not an option.

Is my wife cheating on me with somebody else?
Is my business partner selling me out to our rival company?
Is my cute tutor attached/married/gay?

You get the drift. Questions like these that we are dying to know. Questions like these that eat us up. I realised that questions that deal with betrayal or dissapointment are often the questions that we are afraid to ask, because the truth often breaks us. And we know we can't take it. But not addressing the question does not means that it doesn't exist. Its like saying when I am having a headache, thinking that I don't doesn't make it go away.

We can paint the consequences, yet we can't always paint the results that we want to see.

So does having a lot of questions mean you are doubtful of things? Does that means you have little faith of what you see? Actually all of us should have little faith of what we see since what we see are more than often anything but the truth. Then it means that all of us should be doubtful, we should be questioning. But then again, no point asking someone else a question when you know he/she is going to lie anyway. Maybe we should answer the questions ourselves, but then people will accuse you of assuming without any proof.

I can assume without any proof. I am really THAT good.

Anyway, let's just leave the questioning thing here for now. I feel that the more I delve into it, the more uncertain I am of myself and many things. So we should stop it.

I know I have been lamenting about the changes, praising the unchanging elements and constantly mulling over the past. It is something that I can't help but do it. So I took a step back to examine myself to see if I have changed. Asking myself the million dollar question, 'Have you changed, Huiying?'

And of course the winning answer will be 'Duh, of course I did, silly!'

How could anyone not? It just depends on how drastic and what kind of change we are talking about. I know I have outgrown La Bi Xiao Xin. That used to be one thing that really cracks me up. But while watching the cartoon and reading the comics sometime this year, I found myself not laughing along with the perverted boy anymore. Oh how saddening. I think spongebob is looking less funnier nowadays. So is baby blues... Argh, please don't let me outgrow babyblues! I really think I love it muchly.

Funny to me is...

30 Rock. I find the show really funny.
Hugh Laurie. His wits on the set of House cracks me up often.
Chiteng. She is crazily funny. You should see the things she does.

Quirky. Am I getting quirkier? Damn.

Yeah of course I've changed in some ways and some ways still remained the same. My taste for music, my choice of clothes and even my processing of thoughts. My way of concealing, my channel of expression. My heart for children and my love for animals. How anal I am about smells, and how I hate it when people touch/wear/displace my clothes and stuff(my roomie of 2 sem will tell you how mad I would get). Some stayed the same when others choose different ways to present themselves now.

Dinner was good tonight. Had great company and food at Sakae Sushi at Eastpoint today to celebrate one colleague's birthday. I got a treat =D How very nice. If everyday is filled with good company and food like yesterday and today, I wouldn't have complained about anything at work I promise.

Anyway I think kids like to hug people. It is either that or I look very huggable to them. Remember the little tyke that grabbed my leg last night at marche? Today my colleague's toddler daughter hug me when we were sitting down and it left me feeling VERY ticklish instead. The girl was loads of fun. The way she talks, the speed she talks and the AMOUNT she talks. Man, you should see how her mum rolled her eyes at her own daughter ramblings. How very cute.

Okay a tip for you. Don't say 'So cute' to the mother when the child does things like talking back to the mother or refusing to obey her. Because it might seem cute to you but I assure you the mother feels otherwise. Whenever I cleverly give that 'He is so cute' feedback to the mum, it is usually reciprocated with 'SO CUTE? If you hear that EVERYDAY, I wonder if you will still find it cute!'

Ahhhh.

I love to be in the company of children. They make you happy and everything seems flowery somehow. They don't conceal and they don't lie(okay fine, they don't lie about major issue). They giggle without a care and they dance for you to see like there is no tomorrow.

Oh but they ask plenty of questions. And they love to repeat themselves just so you know they spoke. They can get very manipulative, yet when they flash that sunshine smile, all naughty behaviour can be dismiss with a oh-so-cute excuse.

Alright this is so long. Let me end off with something funny from work.

Me: Alright that's all you can leave now
Patient: Thank you! And see you again~
Me: Er, for your sake I hope not!

byeeeee.

2007-05-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

I am not dead!

Okay, nobody thought I was but I am down with an infection and I don't even think its the flu bug. It's queer isn't it? No flu no sore throat, just a damn swollen tonsils. The next thing I know, the virus attacked like crazy and I believe my immune system didn't have ample time to mount a response then bang! The fever came. Nasty and fast. 38.9. In no time I was reduced to a shivering whimp on the bed that felt like she is on fire.

But I am glad that with some rest and the trusty panadol, the fever came down. I became functional again! Three cheers and thank God for that. The swollen tonsils still puzzled me though. I should really have it removed. Urgh.

Anyway, today might not be the most effectively-spent day but it was definitely a good one. Rested at home and watched Simple LIfe which cracks me up. Paris and Nicole are so unbelievably insane, I couldn't stop laughing. I couldn't stop rolling my eyes too. But when evening came, I got myself out of the house to meet the ntu cp people for a great dinner.

We stopped over at Marche in Vivo for dinner. I missed Marche! I thought they died but apparently there is still a sole survivor in Vivo. The food was so-so, I think they had better food back in Heeren and Suntec. But oh well, didn't have much a choice but the company was fun. We were talking silly stuff and just joshing around as usual. When taking photo with the signature Marche cow, a little tyke suddenly came over and hug my leg. How cute is that? Kids are very adorable, Karen, you just need to be NICE to them. Hahah.

After dinner, we proceed to the arcade for a good time of fun! I have never played TIme Crisis before, it was my first time today. I thought it was a violent game with all that shooting. Anyway, we made alot of noise playing the 'hockey' thing where you are supposed to shove discs into the opponent's goal. Spontaneously grouped ourselves into SRRR's NTU1 and NTU2 again and we laughed like mad. That game never fails to get me high. I watched some of them played Daytona and now we know Yuzheng is a better driver than Elaine. But then again, who is not compared to that reckless girl?

Arcade was followed by shopping at this Japanese Supermart that sells things for 2 bucks. The place is big but it usually shouldn't be THIS interesting. However throw in the right company, you get people doing silly things like putting on the lao hua specs and posing with butterfly nets. Loads of fun again. (:

Ice cream was alright, Cleo magazine reading was more fun. Then we proceed to whine about having to work tomorrow while those who don't looked on smugly... I took NEL home and had a good time walking back from the mrt station.

Back tracked a little to the weekends. Weekends was great. SRRR ended for us but it has been some experience for me since it is my first SRRR. The end results may not have been what we wanted but hey, at least we managed to play for as long as we could. Now just need to take whatever we could from this competition and hopefully by the next one, things could be better. Anyway, canoe polo should have more competitions! It is just not as fun if there is so little things to look forward to. Canoeing have so many competitions! Don't even get me started on dragonboat...!

Okay other than that, many other things on my mind. Hopefully because there is no more SRRR, I could get started on them and clear as many stuff as I could asap. I think I kind of miss NTU.... OKAY FINE. I just miss him alot alot. ): Alright peeps, have loads of fun and bye for now.

2007-05-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

Kids are amazing.

me: *snapped my finger* Mine is loud huh.
lucas: Yours is louder because you have a bigger hand, mine is softer because my hand is smaller!
me: interesting... who told you that...
lucas: *totally ignoring my question* When I grow up to 6 years old then I can snap my fingers loudly.
me: 6 years old? Why 6 years old? Why not 7?
lucas: ermm..... *gives an innocent look and hides himself*

He is only 3 years old yet he speaks with such clarity and logic. But of course, the last part was cute, he didnt know how else to answer my question.

Kids. Awwwwww (:

2007-05-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

One week passed quickly.

I am glad to be back at work, for nothing much has changed. I am impressed and yet amused at how things were kept the way they were when I left. And when I returned, nothing much varied and I find myself in a safe place that I am comfortable in. I just can't believe that nothing change, when in uni all I know is all the constant changes that I see and I feel. So when the crazy world keeps on spinning, I thank God He brought me back to somewhere familiar. That's a feat, at least to me. Hello, you can call me skeptical because that what I am now. Nothing but skeptism.

So today we visited the newborn. Boy, is he an angel (: Babies are cute! Though karen will tell you otherwise but I really think they are the sweetest thing in the world. Even the mother that had carried him around for 9 months will tell you that he is worth all the pain. I looked at him today. And I looked at all the newborns in that nursery. I cant help but think that 'Damn, they are going to go through so much shit when they grow up.' It's not that I think they shouldn't be born, it's just I know that they will experience issues that will break them when they grow up.

Oh great. Now I am skeptical and cynical. Somebody better put a stop to all these. I need to be all cheery and shiny again.

Okay so Derek did rejected the flirtation of that hot girl in the bar. But I heard that the hot girl got signed up for 13 episodes next season. Any veteran tv junkie will know that it means something to be signed on for THAT many episodes. So don't be too hopeful yet about the Meredith and Derek issue.

We should never be TOO hopeful of anything.

I forgot to mention in my last post while talking about crossing the line. Maybe you thought that George was confused about his feelings for Callie and Izzie, maybe the line was not clear and he didnt know if he crossed it. But I thought that its quite a lousy excuse to blame the line for your own wrong. You know, you can blame the line for being blurred, you can blame the situation for being intricate. You can attribute the wrong almost to anything. You can do that if you can live with it.

Maybe we should take a step back and be like Lynette. Who knows? It can very well be that we dont want the line to be that clear and that straight because deep down, we enjoy crossing it yet we don't know how else to explain our straying. I never say things are simple and always just right or wrong. I know how grey some things can get. But more than often God gave us the power to paint the consequences of our decisions.

Are you a wise painter?

But anyway, I dont want to bring this further in case I got misunderstood(as what happen ALWAYS). To prevent myself from sounding too blue or emo, I shall insist that whatever thoughts I posted has nothing to do with what happen to me. Just some things I draw from everywhere, anywhere. Nothing in particular, not addressing anything, not being specific. Hahaha.
Alright, let's end the post with the new darling. He looks so peaceful! And definitely cute (:

2007-05-10T04:13:00.000-07:00

I had a weird dream last night. A really queer and funny dream.

I dreamt that we were playing canoe polo with the characters from Heroes! -_-" Don't ask me how I formulated that in my sleep, it just happened. There was us at the pool, and there was as usual two teams. One forms the Good team and the other, the Evil team. Needless to say, Sylar was on the Evil Team. He and some super duper strong guys were against us.

Us being me, Peter, Matt and Ted from Heroes. I think Yuzheng was in our team or something. And I remembered we were having such a hard time because Sylar was so strong. He made super good passes and everyone on his team was so fast and mechanical. Then Peter, being the nice guy he was, kept encouraging us to play better.

Then Peter started to absorb radiation from Ted and his hands began to glow(Spoiler warning!). Just like how I have read about it on Heroes's website. It was so dangerous because he was on water playing polo with us. I dreamt that Peter started putting his hands into the water because the radiation is heating up.

Then BANG! I couldn't remembered the rest of the dream already. Hahahah. What a weird dream right. Polo plus Peter. Hahaha. So I guess this weekend when no one will be cheering for my team(I get the feeling they are waiting for us to screw up), I shall pretend that Peter from Heroes is cheering us on. Hahah.

Drama, drama and more drama. Today my day started with much drama. Being a huge fan of GA and House, I have seen 'patients' on the show crashing(means going to die) and the staff would rush in with the crash cart and everything. Doctors will run in and the nurses will shout for code blue. But today when it happened right outside my dept, I kind of got a shock.
Some malay man collapsed suddenly and his niece started shouting hysterically. Bloodcurdling shrieks and deafening screams filled the place.

It was only 8:50am. So I stood in my room in shock, watching the PSA called Code Blue. Seeing my colleagues rush out with a bed, seeing the Geri nurses rush out with the crash cart. Hearing the PA annoucing 'Code Blue outside CMU'. Apparently the relative is doing a procedure in my dept and when they told her what happened, she cried out loud.

But everything got in order shortly. I heard that the man was okay after being rushed down to A&E. And I heard that calling for Code Blue was not such a good call since the patient didnt really crashed. But whatever it is, glad that the family is okay. I got such a scare. I said a little prayer for them, I think God heard me.

OH! Today I found a new eye candy! (: But he's already taken I heard. Apparently I am not the only one who finds him good looking. I cant remember if he is the physiotherapist that I thought was cute the last time I worked there. But whoever he is, he is really cute. Yuzheng is very funny, she asked me to make do with him until school starts. Hahah. Sigh, even when school starts, I dont think I would get to see who I want to see. ):

Okay enough for trashy talk. Let's talk about DH. I watched the latest episode and my, I got to say I respect Lynette more than ever before. If anyone of you follows DH(I doubt anyone), you will know that Lynette was this close to having a extra marital affair with the new guy, Rick. Rick was everything Tom(Lynette's husband) was not. He was sweet and nice and Lynette really like him. But when Rick wanted more than just subtle flirtations, Lynette put a stop to everything and ask him to go.

She said this to Rick that I really liked: ' Yes we have been flirting. Thats it. Thats what married people do. Because you know there is a line you dont cross. Maybe I've gotten close to that line, and maybe I've enjoyed getting close to that line. But I have never once crossed it.'

Love it. She earned my respect with that. Because she is someone who knows what she is doing. She admits her enjoyment of getting close to the line. At least she don't lie about how she feels and what she has done. Very admirable. When caught in a messy situation like hers, most people I know will just lie their way through and try to play down everything. But Lynette chose to be honest. And she chose not to stray, even though she could have. She might nearly had.

Jump forward to the latest episode of GA. The 2 hours special that featured the spin-off. At first I was so skeptical about the spin-off, thinking it will not be as great as the mother ship. But watching that episode got me rather excited about the spin-off. I mean who wouldnt want to see more of Addison? And Tim Daly could just be the next McDreamy. Very tasteful indeed.

Oh so we were saying about Lynette not straying. I know I think George is cute but he is wrong. Not because T.R Knight is gay but because George O'Mailey is straying. He keeps saying he has to go, he has to leave Izzie. But more than often what he is doing is actually drawing emotionally closer to her. The kiss in the elevator. I thought to myself what the hell was that for? If he is so keen to not cheat on Callie, he should never have kissed Izzie. What he did was simply doing more damage to Izzie. If you saw that look on her face when he left the elevator, you would know how devastated she was.

I hate it when he keeps saying 'I cant do this, Izzie', 'I have to go' or 'I will not do this to Callie'. Know why I hate it? Because he is LYING. He is not confused, he knows who he is attracted to. It could be both or it could be just one but he sure knows who he is attracted to. So why lie when you know it aint that? I hate the lying part. He keeps saying he cant do this but he keeps carrying Izzie in his heart.

Maybe I have to change my statement previously abit: Tasteful but stupid George.

If only all of us is like Lynette. Aware of the line that shouldnt be cross and not cross it. Admitting that there are some mistakes we enjoy making. Sorry for the long post, been thinking a lot these days(explains the weird dream). Sigh bye for now.

2007-05-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today I got a cheap thrill buying lozenges from the pharmacy in my scrubs.
The perks? I got a 10% discount because I am a staff. Wahaha. Somehow that feels good.
But other than this, I feel like ripping my shoulder AND my tonsils off now.
The damn tonsils always get inflammed. And when that happens I feel like self-medicating because I cant really deal with the pain. The image of antibiotics keep flashing in my mind but theres no way I can get it without a prescription.
Then that means I have to see a doctor.
And I have to see a sinseh for the shoulder that is driving me crazy.

But I hate seeing doctors. ARGH.

Unless they look like one of them from GA, then it is a different story. Have I mention how tasteful George is looking nowadays? But I keep having to throw the fact that he is gay to the back of my mind because that kind of ruined everything. George oh George (:

Stupid nina got me thinking about him. I was going to you know, not think too much. But I guess we could whine together then. Hahaha. And Charlene! Who is your eye candy? Up to standard one or not... Me and nina's ones super super super high standard okay. Hehehe.

Okay I need to put my head down now. ):

2007-05-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

I know this is going to sound crazy but sometimes I really wish I wasn't right about many things.

I am not boasting, this is actually depressing for me.

Sigh. Where are you.

2007-05-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

It's funny because I had just written a post with so much angst and I nearly published it.
Then I thought for a while, maybe not.
Why tell people how you really feel when you know they are going to judge or even get offended?

Nah, i'll stick to this for now.

Those pent-up thoughts and emotions. I just have to do this alone and not let them eat me up. I think I can. Pretty good at such stuff. If I can rip my shoulder off, I think I would. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Luckily going home with Rudith was good. At least things are being contained.

2007-05-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

I'm abit tired. I think its the Sun.

But just so you know, I am still alive. Hahaha. I am now watching Naruto face off with some baddie called Shabadaba.

Seriously? What the heck does Shabadaba even mean??

Anyway, I hate the way the writers are bringing us on Grey's Anatomy. I don't mean to spoiler, but THEY GOT DEREK A FREAKING NEW GIRLFRIEND. Okay I am just assuming here about the girlfriend part but I am quite sure they are introducing a new girl to the whole shaky Meredith-Derek relationship. Damn it. I really hate it when they do this.

But it's not off the roof is it? I mean they are being quite real here arent they? Much as Derek is the McDreamy we see, he is still a guy. Guys don't think with their brains. They are hardly sentimental and almost always never fails to cheat. I am not saying that girls are the nice and loyal species and girls don't cheat. But lets not digress and start a gender war.

My point is, I kind of scoff at what I see with the whole Meredith-Derek thing. That is how things are always, arent they? A relationship gets shaky, a new girl comes along and the guy cheats. And oh a thousand and one reasons they will give in order to justify why they cheat. I know Meredith could be difficult sometimes. She refuses to communicate and pushes people away. Not your typical bright and shiny girlfriend. But did Derek just conveniently forgot that when he was drowning(in self-pity), she was the fresh air that saved him?

As I have always lamented, one bad always erases all the good. I hate the GA writers sometimes. Can't they like just give us an impossibly nice and perfect guy(because it is impossible to find one in real life)? Isn't what tv should be about? Hahaha. I mean, don't give us what we already know mah! We thought Derek was perfect for almost 3 seasons, now they go and throw us a curveball. Damn.

And while we are still on tv, I thought Desperate Housewives deserved a mention. So as I was watching, I was thinking about the way the writers created each characters to be. And I got to salute them for the way they made Gabby out to be. I think she is the only woman that is super-increadibly bitchy and still very lovable. I mean if you were to watch how demanding and crazy she was on DH, you wouldn't believe that she is quite popular with the audience.

Did I mention how I love what Vern said about her?
Gabby: Vern! These girls are not peagent materials?! How am I supposed to coach them?
Vern: Don't be mean Gabby! Not everyone won the genetic lottery like you did!

Hahah classic.

Today while watching the matches I found myself inevitably cheering for the underdogs. Maybe I've watch too much Naruto. But I think nobody really gets me because they don't watch soccer and they don't watch Naruto. But I recall Naruto and underdogs because in Naruto, it's all about the underdogs triumphing the talents. I know its a tad unrealistic because talents are called talents for a reason. But I believe the winning team is the fighting team.

When Naruto was up again Hyuuga Neji in the battle, I believe nobody expected Naruto to win. As much as they believed in the good and the spirit of Naruto, they think he won't make it because Neji is Neji. He is the no.1 Rookie in his year and blessed with much skills and talents that was acquired effortlessly. Neji was impossible to beat, he was way above his own league. With his byakugan, Naruto was to be a piece of cake.

If we were to compare, Neji is like 100 Narutos. Can you imagine? 1 against 100? What are the odds of winning? Almost zero. But Naruto fought like hell. He really fought like mad. I forgot how the match went but I know despite having no chance of winning, Naruto went against the odds to show the world that hey, the underdogs do win sometimes.

Neji had the skills, experience, talents.
Naruto had the heart.

I guess if I have a choice, I would want to be the one that has the heart instead of everything else Neji had.

Because the heart always win. It always does.

Okay okay, I must fish out the disc that has the battle between Naruto and Neji at teh Chuuin Exam. To get the inspiration and hopefully 'borrow' Naruto's heart for my own battle tomorrow. I think I would need it.

So bye for now!!! (:

2007-05-01T21:42:00.000-07:00

Okay so things change.

And I'll be the one standing by the side and watch everything slip away.

Yeah I will.

2007-05-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

Time to play for a while.

Re-align and take a break. (:

Happy happy!

2007-04-29T02:48:00.000-07:00

You stop making plans, because things changes faster than you can blink.
And I know, it's a common understanding that change is the only constant in this world.
Does anyone get the full brunt of it?

It's one hell of a ride.

2007-04-26T02:15:00.000-07:00

Who knows talking to karen can bring so much laughter and crazy thoughts.
We spent 3 hours today discussing quite an intense topic and we didn't even digress much! Kudos to us.
I am so going to publish this and I shall call it:

Karen's crazy talks Series.

Woah nina, you have got your own series! How cool is that (:

Karen's crazy talks #1

karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
sigh
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
haha
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
we are hopeless alright
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
can you imagine we are thousand miles apart and sitting in front of our laptops talking abt these two persons who might not even rem us
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
rawr

karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
HAHAHA
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
oh man
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
only we will do something like this okay
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
pple will crush course mates
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
we crusth tutors
karenina NEEDS an aeroplane. says:
hahaha

She really tickles me up. lol. (:

2007-04-24T05:55:00.000-07:00

Hi God.

I'm not unhappy with the way You have arranged the things for me. I am actually kind of glad that You got back to me so fast, so obvious. And it feels good to be not doing much and yet things are falling into place. You know how I worked the best and Your ways are so much higher than me.

It's just that sometimes I feel a bit down when I can't do what I wanted to do. It is not that I am used to having my ways. It's just that it hurts a little to be throwing the ambitions and plans away when I know I could do much more.

So help me to live my life the way You want me to cause honestly speaking, I don't know how else to go on already. But I am alright with the current arrangements. Just help me to be convicted of it.

2007-04-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

Okay I am dismayed.

And this shouldn't appearing here because I have wanted to hold this space until exams is over. But I guess I am not really that kind of person who can wait and stick by what she had resolved to do initially. Anyways, it shouldn't be too long I just needed to get things out of the mind.

I am growing increasingly dismayed because of all the violence. The Virginia Tech shooting disturbs me. And the slaying of the 3 workers in a Christian Publishing House in Turkey. Plus when reading news off CNN.com, reports like '24 killed in Afghan battle.... 12 killed in Mogadishu violence' surfaced faster than I can say 'Afghanistan'. I'm begining to feel distressed and the heart continues to grow heavy. All these killings are far from my sunny shore, but that doesn't mean that they don't exist/matter.

Somtimes, one wonders why people don't read the news. I don't like reading the news because reading the news always makes the whole pciture dark and gloomy. There is hardly enough good things to go around to override the bad already. And since bad things weigh so much more than the good, I am feeling that maybe the picture will never be the least bit hopeful anymore.

And then its times like this, I have a mini-debate with God.

Plus the weight of exams makes it so hard to trust. I don't want to get caught in the rat race and I don't want to be constantly affected by a dip in the grades. All these are so wrong, it's like I'm doubting God's sovereignity and trying to take charge on my own. I feel like I keep making plans for a lot of things but I'm forgetting to include Him in all the plans. And this dismays me too. How could I, who knows what is right, continues to do the wrong? It makes me feel sick at the pit of my stomach. So wrong and I can't pull myself away from it.

My fear that I have. The fears that my RGS girls have. I told them not to let 'it' bites them, and I am making an extra effort to see that I do the same too. Then I realised that trying to keep something who stings you from biting you is indeed a very tiring effort. How tired must I get will then be the whole struggling thing be enough?

And I miss my friends who are not here with me. Like suddenly. I miss Charlene because she is the rare few people who gets me. She gets what I say without excessive explanation from my part(which I have to do quite often to others). She shares my humour and she does not dismiss my sarcasm(which is part of the humour btw if you can't see it!). Plus she is playing with many kids! I want to play with many kids too. Why is she in Australia...

I miss my ex-colleague from CGH. She is this nice and encouraging elder sister figure that I never had. She looks after me, takes very good care of me and few people will do so. She don't see me as someone who can do what, she sees me as someone who needs something. And she always tries her best to provide that something. Why is she in Australia....

I miss Karenina law who has just joined the 20 club. I don't why because when she was in Sg we don't see each other much. Maybe absence does makes the heart REALLY grow fonder. Looking at her birthday celebration pics, I'm dying to hear her sarcasm and I will tell her I like her sarcasm because I like sarcasm. And we could be exchanging gushes about our respective cute tutors and she will get me because she know how it feels. Why is she in Australia...

I miss Deborah Chen Jia Hui suddenly too. The brief 10 mins talk we have on the phone was enough to set me thinking. And I know she is someone who does not judge and is always patient with me. And she is fun to be with and its been ages since we last talked face-to-face. Which kind of sucks considering she is still in Sg. My only hope is that she gets into NTU and things could be better.

And so you see Australia has taken all my friends away. Soon van will go back to York and I will have one more country to blame for my angst. Which is rubbish because they cant fight back verbally with me. And I dont think a travel plan is possible this fall. Unless someone accidentally transferred 2k into my bank acct. I can 'accidentally' see his purple peugeot but I dont think I can 'accidentally' get 2k out of nothing.

And so I am dismayed.

Okay I promised that this will be short so I guess I am wrong again. I am always wrong and I am always right about me being wrong. The stupid irony of life this is. Now it seems like even him won't make this better. Anyway, I should be detailing my birthday celebrations and thanking people when exams end. Make do with the negativity for now.

Bye. :|

2007-04-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

the only one cool(and short) thing that is worth a mention right now:

the purple peugeot i saw today. (:

God cannot be more kind.

Hahahah.

2007-04-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

Hi World.

Life has been kind, even with the fact that exams are coming up. So studying is an hourly thing, or should I say, minutely thing. Whenever there is any free slot, it will be used to squeeze a few more formula into what I hope is a brain. This space will be quite empty for now because busy studying means less thinking and busy studying means less reason to feel angsty. So no thinking+no angst=nothing to write.

I am busy signing up for consultations you know! :D

So bye for now. And all of you peeps better study hard because exams have no room for regret.

2007-03-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

I recalled yet another interesting conversation I had with a friend just this week. And I think I was the funny one because upon recounting the conversation, I got so tickled up. I couldn't stop laughing or smiling to myself.

Me: So what do you do? When you have all the money, looks and brains? (apparently we were talking about him)
Yuzheng: I don't know. Maybe he is a very busy man, whole day in lab that kind.
Me: *very dismayed* HUH! How can like that?!? Good looking people should not be kept in the lab, they should be let loose!!!
Yuzheng: ERMMM. Let loose sounds weird.

I must be crazy. (: Okay maybe it isnt so funny but it is very funny to me. HAHAHAHA.

2007-03-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

..shiyun.. says:
u r like what
..shiyun.. says:
frickin 20?
what is for you was not for me. says:
dun remind me
what is for you was not for me. says:
when u knew me
what is for you was not for me. says:
i was like wad
what is for you was not for me. says:
13?!?!
what is for you was not for me. says:
yeah i was 13.
..shiyun.. says:
WAH LAUUUUUUUUUUUU

I don't know if I should look forward to my birthday. -_-"

I am old. Already.

2007-03-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

My favourite mistake.

It is such an irony because mistakes aren't suppose to make you feel well, so you should not have a favourite. It's not like your favourite candy or cartoon character. It shouldn't be even remotely good since there is always a price to pay for the mistakes you made. The guilt-induced days that follow, knowing you have done something you shouldn't.

Doing something you shouldn't. A shorter and more common name: mistake. And for many of us, doing something we KNOW we shouldn't. That would be our deliberate mistake. Our favourite mistake. The ones that we do have the power to change, but more than often dismiss it with a simple excuse: I can't help it.

Talking about excuses, don't we all love them? How they sometimes walk hand-in-hand with lies and denials. They are a thin line between those two, however the only conclusive thing is that none of them are good. The roots of our mistakes, the sources of the faults, usually we pinpoint everyone and everything except ourselves. No matter how sometimes we try to paint the picture nicer by claiming some ownership of the problem, we always prefer to blame others.

I was drunk(read: blame the alcohol). I was distracted(read: something made me lose my focus). I was blahblahblahblah, etc. And maybe there are times when you did try but still fail, it could be a character thing or a personality flaw, but you just truly CAN'T HELP IT. I can't help myself a lot of times. Figuratively and literally, I'll be quick to tell you I really can't help it!

It's times like these when I will say, " God I can't help it, can you help me? "

I am really quite keen to see how George and Izzie turns out, based on this grave mistake they made. Sometimes even if you just failed once, the damage is bad enough to cause a snowballed effect. Yeah I get the fact that if you failed once, it doesn't mean that you don't deserve a second chance. But because this is the world that we live in, it is hard to earn a second chance. And I disagreed that they should keep this a secret. I think that by doing so, George is just digging his own grave. Because like what Addison will tell you, " The truth always comes out. It always does. "

Then there is the bait. If he says it out, his marriage could be over. If he doesn't, he still has a chance. We always think that we could fix our own mess, that we need no protection. I am wondering how long would it takes, for each and everyone of us to learn that we couldn't. So can you still move forward, with this burden that you have to carry because of the mistake you made and never show? We were told to move forward. We were always told that. But how do you do it when the past haunts you repeatedly? And when the weight of your wrong erases all the good in your life?

I wish I will have no favourite mistake. I wish that I can be right. In a perfect world, I might achieve that. But this isn't a perfect world and life isn't perfect(I know everyone agrees with me). Grey's season three is coming to an end, and I hate the fact that I will have to live a few months without it before the new season starts. I hate it even more that they are taking Addison away because I love that character. It's hard to imagine a season 4 without her.

So good things MUST come to an end, isn't it? It is like an almost unspoken rule.

The semester is ending and when the new semester starts, it will spells new things too. The good of this semester will end, and it may never be repeated again. I hate the fact that things are going to change, but I could thank God for the fact that there was no start.

So there will be no end.

2007-03-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Those who had lost, appreciate more.

2007-03-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

Why is weird people everywhere?!?! They are like, invading earth.

Scary.

To my 2 friends who are having their share of such colourful characters, good luck and I will pray for you.

*hides back into my shell and thank God*

2007-03-22T10:41:00.000-07:00

When the song you wanted plays on the radio, the feeling is like striking lottery.
Because you never meant for it to happen, it seems like magic when it does. (:

2007-03-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

Let's take a step back and examine the things in life that I thank God for.
Let's not include God and family cause they are a constant. We shall talk about the variables. I know I always complain about my gadgets, but I still thank God that they drive me crazy.

1. I love my macbook(at the apple center now) and the ipod.
2. I love the crumpler ipod pouch and would love the crumpler laptop bag more(*hint*)
3. I love the Sakae dinner with Leepeng.
4. Okay I think I should say I love Leepeng right?
5. Then of course that would follow by love declarations for Peishan and Chiteng and Joanne and Elaine and a lot of other people.
6. I love my comfy Dorothy Pekins long sleeve shirt.
7. I love 'It Ends Tonight' by All American Rejects.
8. I like to see Wentworth Miller on GAP's posters.
9. I love those nice shirts that he wears.
10.I love sitting in the middle of a noisy crowd and still find my own solitude.

This is a season to be lovey. Or lovely. Whatever. I would love a new phone. Jingen knows what I want. She should get for me, my birthday is coming. Then I go India with you la! :P
Go for June Mission Trips!! (:

2007-03-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I am alone. Sometimes I feel like I dont feel like doing this but it won't be right.

I feel like, I need some grace, but no one is willing to give any. I can't even afford one slip-up.

I feel like, I need someone to tell me its okay to feel like this and I understand what the hell you are going through.

2007-03-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

I tripped thrice today, am I going to fall soon? I blame my aching calf muscles and the big pair of slippers that I owned.

He: * Looks to the screen* Look at the number of transistors they can squeeze into the wafer these days.
The screen reads 1,000,000,000.
He: *Stares for a while* I don't know if that is 1 billion or just 100 million. Is it 1 billion? Uh no?? Just 100 million. Okay.
-insert super ultra cute sheepish smile-

Okay I hope nobody reads this post! And I bet most of you all wouldn't even see the connection between the starter and the content. Hahahaha. (:

2007-03-15T00:52:00.000-07:00

We are all so greedy. No matter what reasons we can come up with for our greediness, it is always almost wrong to want so much more than what was already given.

We are always romping around, declaring our stand about how we want it all or nothing. I am so guilty of this that it irks me to think that I actually think the 'all or nothing' theory is justifiable. In any aspect, it is barely achievable. Because we exist not in our own in this whole universe, there are so many uncanny links to people we love and people we do not know that it is hard to isolate yourself anymore. And therefore because of these links(sometimes chains), you wouldn't go on without affecting anyone whether or not you intended to.

It is like the Variables Theory(anyhow made up by me). If one function is affected by one variable, you can integrate just with respect to that sole variable. But due to the way God made us, we must now have many many partial integrals, and have to take into the account how one variable affects the other. It makes one simple thing so darn complicated just because of the many partial integrals. Come to think about it, it is really not so hard to grasp all these.

So before you start ranting about 'what is wrong with wanting all or nothing', let me explain myself. You would think that isn't it cool to want all or nothing in the aspect of training for the sports that you are playing? I mean, that is what Mr Yong taught all of us back in NJCanoeing: to give your 100% in whatever you do. Oh wait, that isn't exactly true either because he wants ALL, and conveniently omitted the 'NOTHING' part. You are not allowed to have 'nothing'.

I digressed. It is unthinkable to be able to put in all your efforts in training(not trying to discourage 'trying' though). What about other things in your life that you have to weigh? There is school, family, church, work and so many other things waiting for your attention. We all know that we can't give our 100% for the sports, yet we still go around thinking that we could. I think it is a compensation mechanism that we practise. In thinking that we are giving 100%, we allow ourselves to live with the fact that we can't. Ironic isn't it? But I love to tell you about the ironies of Life.

Of course there are people who put in 100% efforts into the sports(and in the same time chucking other impt things aside). I mean, since when there isn't an exception to any case? But even if you are able to do it 100% mentally and emotionally, you wouldn't be able to do it physically. We are so greedy and we keep pushing our bodies to achieve the desired 'ALL' part, we forgot that some things are already more than we've bargained for. We force the physical being to do what the mind says and we damaged parts of ourselves. Then again, any good ol' njcanoeist will tell you: Oh, it's the efforts that counts.

Then if this is so, did we still achieve the 'ALL' part?

We look at relationships between people. Different relationships calls for different kinds of responsibilities and expectations. The most demanding one would definitely be that between a couple in love. Everyone wants everything of the other other half. We want to occupy most, if not all, of their emotional world. And when there is a sligh deviation from us, we go crazy thinking if he/she is cheating on us. I think this is one aspect where it will be true that most people wants the ALL or NOTHING deal. If we can't be all, we rather be nothing.

It is kind of funny because how can we expect another person to be belong entirely to us when he/she has already been linked to so many people? It is like we naively think that it is possible to be ALL when deep down we know that it takes so much more than anything to be the ALL. But don't we all wants to be the ALL? Maybe this is why people are easily miserable or depressed. We expect to be the ALL but we can't be and when we can't be, it kills us.

Okay actually at this point, I am going to stop writing about the all or nothing because I am incoherent already. I think I dint intend for this article to come out this way. But nvm, today is still a great day (: It is creepy how one person can easily light the day with a gesture that came out unintentionally adorable. Creepy because it shouldn't be this way. Still, let me enjoy this 'creepiness' while it still last.

I have a soft spot for soft toys(no pun intended!) which sucks because I don't like to have soft spots. But they just get to the inner child in me and makes me go 'Aww, aint that cute? Let's get that!' I bet my wallet is going 'AHHH! not again!'. However, being the fairly disciplined person I proclaimed to be, I make it a point not to buy soft toys often. Actually, I don'treally buy at all. Hahah.

I recalled a rather old post I have wrote some time back. Something about drowning, something about it is easier to just go down under rather than struggle to stay afloat. Like the pressure on top is higher than the pressure below... Then it spooked me because that was what happened to Meredith in Grey's! And what I said wasnt inspired by her actions because the episode only came out one year after I wrote the post. But one thing for sure, I wouldnt drown myself PHYSICALLY just because the things of this World are getting to me. I am so much more than this(or so I would like to think)! It does make a difference when you know you have a Savior that is mighty to save. (:

Bye for now!

2007-03-09T11:23:00.000-08:00

I would like to think of myself as a fairly disciplined individual who can see the bigger picture. So I am putting on hold, all those fabulous shows that I have, so I can concentrate on my studies. This move has seen me being reduced to sitting in front of the computer and reading the damn recaps from the website.

Boohoo.

2007-03-07T07:18:00.000-08:00

I was just watching.. and I was just thinking..

You know when bad things happen to you, people always(always!) encourage you to talk about it. They say talking about it is the first step to embracing the bad thing and therefore the road to accepting and recovery. Like talking is supposed to be theraputic, a course of treatment of some sort. I was just thinking to what extent would I agree with what they say. Should I be an advocate and goes with what the bright and shiny people say? Even though I might have another view.

No doubt it is important not to keep everything to yourself, least you explode. But I wonder at times, if there is a need to always address what hurts the most, to always poke at the wounds and scars. Alright, let's assume there is a need, somehow, somewhere, maybe timing was a factor only. To treat 'a need to talk' as an absolute truth and hence look at the variables that affects the quality of the talk. I could only come up with 'time of talk' and 'audience to talk to' as primary concerns of sharing.

So we do talk. To someone we could, or sometimes to someone we couldn't but we have to. What do you talk about? Let's introduce another variable now, 'who wants to talk'. We can break the senario further up into two case: the victim wants to talk and people who are concerned about the victim wants to talk.

Let's proceed with the first case. If the victim is keen to share about the bad thing, what is she hoping in return? Or could it be that she really just needs a listening ear? If the latter was true, then it could have meant that she believed talking helps. Is it her personality that dictated such belief? Or could it be that she thought it was so just because everyone else asked her to do so. If it is because everyone said so, then it might not have achieved the outcome she wished it would. I would rather she believes that talking help. Because if she does, it would have helped anyway, no matter how the conversation went.

What if she wanted to help cause she hoped for something in return? I would like to know what does she wants in return for. Was she hoping for the other person to share about bad experiences so she know that she is not alone in dealing with pain. Could it be that she hope to hear about how her audience has overcome all the pains and be alright? If the listener could offer personal success story, then maybe it would encourage the victim to be brave. I think the hardest would be when the victim just wants to hear things she wants to hear. I wouldn't know what to say because I wouldn't know what she wants to hear. She could wants to hear about bright and shiny stories, or she could want to hear crappy things. Would you have known?

Let's go on about people who are conerned about the victim. You may suggest talking, because you hear that it would help, but are you ready for what you are going to hear? If she spills her guts out and it becomes too much for you, how are you going to deal with it? And many times, we are only good for listening, and that would be all we can ever do. Can you deal with the helplessness that follows? If you don't believe in God and doesn't know about the miracle of Christmas, how do you hear about something bad that happened to someone you care and not feel down for not being able to help? I wouldn't know how to do it. But more than often, what we get is the concerned and wanting to help look on their faces, along with the fact that they really couldn't help much. Maybe, I was thinking that just maybe, many of us feel that listening and offering that listening ear is the best we could do to help. And maybe we are right about that.

Like in House, the raped victim has problem talking about it because no one can explain to her why would such thing happened to her. House agrees with her because he finds that talking about bad things doesn't neccessary means comfort. If she would talk about it even when she is not ready, imagine the anguish she felt when no one has the solutions to her questions. It is like adding more pain when she has already maxed out on her morphine dosage. That would have sucked, wouldn't it? Away from the show and back to real life, don't we know that a lot of times, we don't hold the answer to the question that eats us alive? Why would anyone encourage talking, when they don't have the answer to the 'why's that may come their way? I am sure it is not intentional that they want to put the victim through more distress. This, I believe in the good of concerned friends.

I think talking about bad things should only come, when the victim wants to talk about it and when the listener is ready to hear it. It should be a two-way thing, don't you think so? This is why I never like to ask 'how are you doing' to someone who has been through a rough patch. This is because I don't know if the person is ready to share or if I am ready to hear. But we all should know that not asking about the person's well-being does not equate to not caring. So we all should not ask for the sake of asking. I like the last scene when the victim finally told House that she is ready to talk about what happened to her and House replied 'I want to hear about it too'. He did well, like what Cuddy said, because he didn't push her into talking about it, partly cause he wasn't ready for it either.

NLE is this weekend. Not that anything I said before has any relation to what is to come. But maybe it's time I get ready. And you too. Let's not talk if you don't want to. God doesn't just works through words. There is so much to be done besides talking.

So I was just thinking...if you have no answer, why talk about it?

2007-03-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

I'm tired and stressed beyond words. I'm not looking forward to monday, when my lab report is due. Not looking forward to tuesday, when two tests awaits me. Not wanting friday to come either, the 35% weightage test is something I haven't studied this recess weeek.

And when weekends come, it doesn't means more time for me. The even more daunting thing is that this weekend is more packed than the usual weekends. How am I suppose to choose, when I have too much to choose from?

Can somebody tell me why does loading rate affects the mechanical properties of material? I've been searching high and low, but all to no avail. And it somehow panicks me because I need to have the answer. I need to.

In the light of crushing pressure and deadlines to meet, I still know I am going to get past all these nonsense because God will see me through. For now, with my frustration for my lab report, it is enough to make me turn away(from the report).

So what did I do?

I erm, went to do something then I went to sleep. HAHAHAHA.

*sigh.*

2007-02-27T06:42:00.000-08:00

I can be so extreme at times, I marvel at this ability of mine. I could feel so angry, so intense and the next moment, I would feel nothing. One time I could feel like walking away and yet the next moment I find myself smiling along with everyone. This is erm, split personality? Is it a disorder of any sort? I hope not! -_-"

I was so freaking angry with my macbook(because it is down again). So angry I nearly threw it on the ground. But thankfully the more sane part of me stopped the crazily angered me. I saved my own ass when I decided to just throw it to the bed. I don't know what the heck is wrong with it, and it frustrates me greatly. But after coming back from training, I felt at peace with it. I mean, I don't really care if its functional or not already. Just don't care. Hahaha. Weird huh.

Anyway, happy photos ba!

2007-02-26T00:44:00.000-08:00

Listen to my words, young man: The world is freaking unfair. And there is no point fighting for impartial treatment. So many times, so many people they only serve who they want to serve. Quit thinking about how unfair they can get and start living with it.

Sometimes you will feel that you are outside of the picture. But you could still be a good person and walk away. That is what you are capable of doing.

2007-02-25T00:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, plans are made but not fulfilled. Sometimes, you have appointments but you take them for granted. It's like something you briefly mentioned and then you chuck them to the back of your mind. Or worse, you pass them up for something else.

I think it would be rude, wouldn't it?

Anyway, on a lighter note: I LOVE CNY! This whole week has been fantastic(because there is no school..) and I had loads of fun. Although the fun is going to have to stop soon, still loving every bits of what's left now.

I had like 3 steamboats and many many fun outings. I watched a lot of tv today and finally got to catch my Grey's. And of course most of you would have know that Meredith didn't die. You really think that the writers would change the name of the show(after writing Meredith off) to garner the highest ratings ABC ever had since 2000? I'm glad they didn't do that.

This week episode is meant for a tear feast. There was so much going on and it felt so intense, so heavy. I shall not spoiler much here in case nicky or peishan kill me, but all I could say was: it is good. I love the last scene. Finally a positive(though sad) ending. It had Denny and Izzie side-by-side to each other and they smiled cause they knew they would always have each other.

Somebody say 'Awww' to that.

Other than this episode of Grey's, a few episode of According to Jim and one episode of Heroes, I haven't watch anything else! Must control..... must control. :P

2007-02-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

I like to sit in a car/bus when it's late, with my ipod with me and the aircon blasting into my face. It gives me a very amazing feeling that I don't really know how to explain. The music is good, the temperature is good, me in my own world is good. I had the privilege to do this in two days, once yesterday in ps's car and another time today in a cab. Today's one was relatively unenjoyable because I really needed to use the restroom while in the cab, but I survived it.

Byebye sadness, hello mellow.

I didn't study AT ALL this whole week, which translate to a certain amount of panic right now. But what can you do with lost time? Nothing, don't even think about it. Recess week is exciting, I need to get more work done. Sigh!

Weekends here again. Wooohooooo.

Did I mention my team outing was fantastic! Finally got to see Mindy! I love them. Even those that didnt turn up.

2007-02-20T09:24:00.000-08:00

Dreamgirls is a great movie! (: Can't wait to lay my hands on their soundtracks!

Hope CNY has been good for all of you! And YEW LEEPENG! Even though I scold you say you made the most noise compared to the rest, I still love you la! You know that right? Hahahahah :P

You are my bestie leh! Bestie is cannot be replaced even though we irritate the heck out of each other! But don't drive me to my grave yet la, still too early. Heheh!

So random. ~

2007-02-16T09:57:00.000-08:00

wo shi prisoner. she is the cop.

So I broke out of prison but got caught again. Damn sian. I think my second attempt should see me tattoo-ing the stupid prison blueprint on myself. But wait, I dont think I can withstand the pain.

Oh no den how?

HHAHAHAHA. :P

2007-02-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

Apparently my macbook hates me.

Ben thinks I cannot own an apple product. My ipod and macbook seem to share a rather strained relationship with me. Since owning an ipod mini to the current ipod video, I have got them serviced at least 5 times. And this macbook is even better. After getting it serviced, it spoilt again after coming home for a day.

Excellent.

And what was ironic about it was that I thought I had it serviced so that it would become better, not worse. But now it was in an even lousier shape before I handed it to the people at the service center. Can someone please shed some light?

But other than this stupid problem my mac has, other things have been going rather well. At least I finished my CH1011 assignment. Why do I have to do programming! It took a good 2 hours to finish the assignment! Left me with a super sore right eye, which someone told me it looked pretty red even though I didnt really do anything to it. Maybe a blood vessel raptured while I was trying to figure out how to do the work! CH1011 is evil. Like the apple center!

I must, I repeat, MUST cut off all contacts from these two! And Shonda Rhimes. She is damn evil. How could she write Meredith off like this! Just like this! Oops, sorry for the spoiler. Heh. You cannot make the lead of the show dies, if you do, you better change the freaking show's name.

I hate cliffhangers. I am all about spoilers. Hahaha.

Stupid GA. Never mind about that. Friday is a good day! Cell dinner was good though they have a habit of eating in silence. Hahaha. Then service was fun. Followed by supper with Peris, Clara and Audrey. Really feels good to be hanging out with them and talking. Just talking. I think I may need to talk sometimes. Hahaha. Like this. Like how it is today.

The ghost of the past starts to haunt.
Like how it choose to cast its shadow over the scampering me.
But You will be my light..
Right?

I recount a recent conversation with my friend, X. X was concerned about Friend Y so she asked me how is Y. I told her I dont really know. So X commented that if Y doesnt tell me, she most probably wun tell her too. Then I told X that Y isn't being biased or what, she just doesnt want X's world to be dark.

Dark like how we know it could be. I would be sorry if anyone has to cross over and know that. So for now we want to keep you guys on the other side. The bright and shiny and flowery side, which exists by the way. Yep.

Van is coming back! And we are discussing about GA now! Urgh this is unbelievable. Happy new year to all! Enjoy the break. (:

2007-02-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all of us! To all those who celebrate life! And to the many who believes in love, it is indeed flowery! So let's catch the happy spirit while it is still around, for we do not know nor can we calculate our next fall.

Smile like you mean it! heh.

2007-02-12T05:28:00.000-08:00

When the recess week approaches, it could only mean one thing: Exams are coming! :(

I can't believe it, even though I know it, this semester flies by despite my protests. I kind of like this sem because my timetable is by far one of the best I ever had in my don't-know-how-many-years of education. And then I have so many shows I want to watch! 24, Friends, Heroes, House, CSI, GA, Prison Break, According to Jim.. They are all sitting inside the computer, calling me to watch them!

I must resist! Though I cannot wait for the latest episode of GA to finish downloading.. Oh! And the I think Mediacorp latest series are rather appealing! The sad thing being the pressure from my workload and the fact I do not have a tv in my room. The 9pm show is rather funny! Elvin Ng really, really, really looks damnnn cute! (: But then I am rather good at predicting the progress of the show, I think chit and Joanne don't like my spoilers. Heh.

Anyways, Joanne koh is super funny! She is like this funniest person I have ever met. Everyday spent with her is a day filled with much joy and laughter. She is so off and crazy sometimes that I will laugh until I have stitches. But she is my hongkong shows partner and she is my go home together partner! I think I cannot do without her.. (:

Haha, someone wore crocs into lab today and he told the person not to. This comment was instantaneously heard by our lab group which was just next to them. And we had a really good time laughing at the poor fellow. CROCS! Oh my. Joanne thinks its covered, but she doesn't realise that it has holes, which puts it under the uncovered shoes category. I so love lab (: I so love the hall 4 fellowship of me, chit, ps, elaine and joanne koh. heheh!

2007-02-08T10:48:00.000-08:00

ke yi bu yao zhe yang ma? wo kan dao hen xin tong.

):

2007-02-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

I have some thoughts overdue. They were like some strings tugging non-stop at the back of my mind. Telling and pushing me to have them posted somewhere, so that at least, I've made a copy of them.

Let's remember the good times. The monday brief conversation. How Man U won the Spurs. Just like how Singapore won Thailand. The fun talks during training. The little amusing things you and I both did. The supper and the lunch. The lectures and the breaks.

Could we please, disregard the downside of things? It wasn't even innate, it was environmental. It means that it doesn't even have to be this way, yet it chose the most cruel form to present it. 'It should be our year.. your year.. my year..'. Our hands were not made to hold up our worlds that threaten to crash down all the time. I know His hands are, that's why we should always let Him.

And for the part where they say there are some things in life that you can never have. Then there is nothing else I could say about that. We know and we live with that.

2007-02-03T10:13:00.000-08:00

I grew up in sunday school
I memorized the golden rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that lead him up on Calvary

But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say,
But I'll never be the same because
He changed my life when He became'?

Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history.
He's the air that I breathe,
The water I thirst for,
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me

We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that I'm
Aware of just how fragile life can be.
I want to tell the world I found
The love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see.
Now everyday I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I want to live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that He is..

Everything to Me - Avalon

Even my dear leepeng thinks this is a wondeful song.

2007-02-03T09:23:00.000-08:00

Hello there, good morning! How was your day? Today is a good day for me. Maybe it was because I woke up to constants. Have I told you how I am not so big on variants? It is like how I am not big on my greens. But never mind, I digressed. So I woke up, on my silly purple Garfield bedsheets and I actually woke up earlier than planned. Suprise, suprise! My roommate will be so impressed with this feat that I think you may have to expand some effort in convincing her that it(my feat) did happened.

The bedsheet is a constant.

I also woke up to a text message from my friendly neighbour sparing me some details of her adorable brother and somebody else's brother which I have no apparent interest in. Still, that wasn't the point. We exchanged a few texts and she answered, "nba as usual and yours is church as usual." Then we smiled at these constants. I kind of like the 'as usual' part, makes me feel somewhat comforted. Neighbour, neighbour! Do you like the constant too? I am sorry I assumed you smile at your phone like how I did, but I had to conjecture that you did what I did too. Because it would make the whole sentence more compelling.

God's love is a constant.

I was ruminating about a certain line from the Father. I couldn't quite let it pass. It was jumping at me throughout the week and I liked it. I like how this captures my attention and triggers my inquisitiveness. Hey it feels like I am not the only one asking questions now. It felt good, this variant. Do you think it will be the only variant that is good?

Oh wait! I forgot to mention my new funky friend Andrea Gan! Today I realised she reads my blog. And boy is she whimsical and gelastic! I think she is a truckload of fun. First her brain kept inhibiting the fact that I am 20 instead of 22. Then she tried to set me up with different guys before declaring in exasperation that guys are too smelly for any good. Started her whole anti-guy theory. I can think of one friend from school that can shake hands and be good friend with her with regards to that aspect.

Hey you! I know you are reading my little blog, thus decided to write about you. You should stop hanging out with Miss Ye Jingen too much! But talking to you was fun, I don't know why it feels so uncannily easy to talk to you. I always thought that it will take much more than just my part to crush that stubborn defense mechanism of mine. But I guess sometimes, I work differently from what I perceive myself to be. Oh, would this be another variant then? It could get a little unnerving..

I think this self-ranting style of writing captivates me. I think I like it! Don't you think this variant could be another good thing? Except that I do self-rant a lot previously so it aint much of a deviation. But hey! We all need to lighten up some times. So this is me lightening up.

I hope you have had an excellent day like I did. (:

2007-02-02T09:51:00.000-08:00

In the light of certain events, I am seeing some light, feeling some degree of enlightenment I have never felt before. For now I see life as something much more than life, value it's fragility that I once scorned at. Emotions are overrated, at least to me. We can suppressed that, if we really try hard enough.

I have been thinking. Life is short. Like really short if you were to look at it. There are more uncertainties than constant, which makes the whole experience really frightening yet overwhelming in a good way. And we shouldn't spend such moments being angry with someone, mulling over disappointments, being meticulous with the wrong details and totally missing out what we were made to be. I don't want to commit such a grave mistake.

Don't get me wrong, many of you tend to do that often. I am not saying we should be flamboyant and live life loud the mistaken way. Nor am I advocating that we should not be appreciative of the small details and be grateful for the simple things. All I am saying and all I am thinking that we should make it count.

It wasn't meant to be easy, it almost never was. But each one of us made it through anyway. Perhaps we half-dragged and half-forced ourselves through the darkness. And maybe I had it better cause I have Jesus and He gave me people I could count on. I guess we all just need to take a little time, make a little realignment and maybe we would be right.

I hope we could be right...

2007-01-29T08:36:00.000-08:00

I want to understand fully, what it means when I say I want to walk with You everyday of my life. In the good and the strife.

So it's off to a road of discovery again. (:

2007-01-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

And so everyone has a thing for you.

How hard is it to get that part?

2007-01-28T04:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when you feel that nobody understand you(which I tend to feel pretty often), always take heart that the Father does.

Your light will shine when all else fails. And a moment of grace is all I need. When its in You that I have found the strength, to stand up and be strong.

So I'll walk with You.

2007-01-25T08:36:00.000-08:00

I like watching Friends. It is like if no one stops me, I could go on forever. It cracks me up, a lot. And it got my roommate frowning at my supposedly irritating laughter. I tried so hard to stop myself from slapping the table while watching when she was asleep. It got me quite high, and quite happy. (:

So it is not just some meaningless comedy that I watch just so to feel amused, I actually quite like the heart-warming(and humorous) scenes. There was this particular episode that I really liked. Not because of the gorgeous cast but because of the story, and the lovely togetherness of the characters. We watched many shows, where either romance or thrillers steal the show. But for Friends, well, it was what the title suggested, the friendships they shared. Those kind that you thank God for and those kind you know is for a lifetime.

Back to the episode. Ross and Rachel's daughter Emma is celebrating her 1st birthday and they wanted the rest to be there for the party. Monica and Chandler wanted time alone to themselves, both Joey and Phoebe had work to complete. But Ross and Rachel insisted that they must be present and after some persuasions, the other 4 relented. Something caught up in the middle of the show that resulted in Ross and Rachel leaving baby Emma in the care of the other four. Monica and Chandler were getting impatient, they really wanted to go. Phoebe and Joey couldn't stay long either, Phoebe had a client waiting for her and Joey needed to get back to shooting his show.

After a round of debate, Monica and Chandler were forced to stay back and babysit Emma. That was when the heartwarming scene started. Monica arranged Emma's soft toy from the biggest to the smallest(OCPD) and the both of them were just playing with Emma. Suddenly Phoebe came back and told them she kind of drugged her client because she felt bad for not being here. She wanted to be at the birthday party. Shortly after Joey rushed back too, for the same reason. When Ross and Rachel came back, everyone gathered and they had such a good time spending time together.

I really liked it. The way the four of them chose not to abandon their friends. Abandonment doesn't sit well with me and I was glad the characters chose to turn back. Is it supposed to be like this? You contemplate of abandoning your friend, but turn back in the end because she is your friend. You thought you had more important things to do(like work) but you realized that nothing is more important than being there for your friends. And nothing is more important than doing the things that means a whole world for your friends. Like how Phoebe and Joey came back to stand by Ross and Rachel, well actually Emma but the link was there. Phoebe and Joey may not be your kind of smart 'friend' but they sure do understand how to be a friend. Friends..hmmm.

Why can't you be like them?

2007-01-23T11:42:00.001-08:00

I am beginning to feel that maybe things are looking up, and thank God for it. So good things like company, they come on a roll. Although many would argue that it is the same for bad things.

Friday
A queer training session cannot be written off as bad, even if you beg to differ. But me and Joanne went off and had our weekly friday 'fellowship' anyway. The curry was bad, remind me to never even think about having it again.

Saturday
L-cell was good, service even better. Then it was cell. First, proper cell with the RGS girls and I am already beginning to like them already. I tried to be the best I could be on that night, in any sense, and they reciprocated my efforts with warm responses and kind gestures. For once, I am reminded of the joy of leading a cell with attentive and witty girls. And you can hardly blame me for needed to be reminded, I was used to shouting out my words with the p6ers. I had to be louder than them so they would listen. Don't even get me wrong, they were an absolute joy to be with. Just that it depends a lot on your very own definition of joy. :P

I liked the cell session, how God was among our midst. And I am dreaming of big dreams, planning things that I never previously had the confidence to. I would love for things to go uphill for us now, my only prayer being that God would be the engineer behind everything and anything. I want to do this well, because I know those sheep matter to God.

Sunday
Sunday has got to be the highlight of my week! I am beaming and grinning like a silly fool as I recounted what went on on Sunday. It was a day for celebration. 3 Birthdays that I want to honour, and all the satisfaction was like such a surprise bonus.

I went out with leepeng to Food Republic to spring my aunt a (not really)surprise visit. She, my favourite aunt, and seeing her makes me happy somehow. Then we went off to Marina and got our haircuts. After getting my mum's present, it was birthday celebration for her. And it went really good, she was really happy. I hope she liked my gift, though I know she will wear it even if she doesn't like it. Suddenly I felt that I have done a right thing and I felt that I was glad. I dont really know how to articulate what I felt at that time but it was good.

So after dinner with my mum and her church friends, I rushed over to Marina Bay to meet the rest. We were going to celebrate Sean and Persis's birthdays. Both are good friends of mine and I was looking forward to spending time with the church peeps. After losing my way(for the 2nd time of the day), I found the steamboat place. Too full to eat, I just sat down and listen to Sam Yuan's jokes. I looked on as Crystal brutally murdered the live prawns. And I got amused as she explained that we should dip the prawn's head into the boiling soup to 'kill the brain' first. -_-"

I switched table because I wanted coke. Then we started cooking lots of prawns. The happier thing being that I ate many many many prawns without having to peel any one of them. How nice of Ben. The only thing was that I had to be his maid for a while because we agreed that peeling prawns is such a treacherous task. The soccer people came shortly and I started to talk more. They insisted that me and zx shouldn't sit together, because we will start discussing about school work. It is funny because we just had to talk about it, and I don't even feel sad talking about it. Then I disturbed ernie by giving him MAJOR spoilers about Prison Break. Poor him, I think he really wanted to box me. About the spoiler part, my bad. :p An Arsenal vs. Man U debate soon begun shortly and it was even more fun when we josh one another.

I got a free ride home, and everything felt really good.

Although things started to go a little downhill from there(with Man U losing the match, almost like a bad sign), I thank God for all these joy, fun and occasional pain. I want to smile.
And I hope You smile with me too. (:

2007-01-23T10:29:00.001-08:00

I suddenly miss.... people.

Is this what listening to Jay Chou's sad songs in the middle of night does to you? If it really is then I must stop.
Hahahaha. :P

2007-01-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

Why is it so easy to fail somebody and so hard to do the bare minimum? This is me, depressed for no good reason, whining about no apparent or glaring issue. Maybe it's just the hall thing, you know, makes people down somehow. I'm actually at home right, and all feels fine, except maybe when we talk about school stuff, people or even hall. I don't even know why. This sucks.

It's just this whole abandonment issue has been constantly taking its toll on me. No matter how much I explain to others, nobody fully understand. Guess they had never really been abandoned by anyone. I have, and this huge gap that was left behind, makes me extra touchy about the topic. And when people don't understand, they will judge. I don't even blame them, because I am trying to learn not to depend on anyone for anything.

Oh so you think I think too much about the separation? Can't help if I feel that we are going to get left behind. Nobody talks about the things they don't want to talk about, this is why I HATE talking about it. This is weird. When I feel like I am finally enjoying the game, I suddenly want time-out.

Sometimes I feel that it's so unfair. Why can't I be independent like Chiteng, like be so disciplined on my own without much difficulty. If it is so, I wouldn't need anybody, I wouldn't even care if anybody needs me. I just do what I have to do and I get things done and I would be right/correct. Wouldn't I? For a start, I wouldn't asked anyone to go dental with me, point to note, more like beg rather than ask. Pathetic and I hate it.

I just wish when I wake up tomorrow I will feel like me again. And not this nonsensical person who has to rant to let it out. I pray hard that tomorrow will be a good, good day. At least dear ol' lp is going to the dentist with me despite her bloody eyes. I don't want to compare man, I hate it.

Suddenly I see, how things unfold around me. Sometimes we forgot that we can inflict this much pain in somebody else's life without even knowing. A simple sentence with no intention to kill, could be such malice and trauma to another. It is easy to point the arrow at who, but could there be a chance that she doesnt even know the magnitude of the impact of her words? If God would take away our ability to hurt someone....wait, we would somehow still hurt them anyway. If it is not words, it would be actions. And it would be so many things, we can't even keep track of the tools we use unknowingly.

I.... want the weekends to come. I want to spend my whole day in church, spend my time with people that are really kind. I would do anything, go for service, go for cell, hang out in the office/atrium. I would even clean the floor if they need me to. At least I feel protected, and I won't feel abandoned. This is why things can't never be wrong being in the house of God.

But I can't always get what I want right? Heh. Please be my light, I think I am losing my way again soon.

2007-01-13T06:41:00.001-08:00

Good things are worth the wait. How true is that? The latest episode of Grey’s is by far one of the best in this season. After a long, close to a month wait, the new Grey’s return with a bang, leaving you with much anticipation for the upcoming episode.

Remember before the break, things were kind of on a bad note for everyone. Burke and Christina; George and all his crushing situations. However, ‘Six Days’ started off oddly chirpy and cute. And as the show cruises along, it got me laughing at a lot of parts. The producers threw in dancey and happy songs, coupled with hilarious dialogue and funny scenes. An absolute enjoyment to watch, and very interesting to say the least.

Burke and Christina’s cold war became laughable when they started conversing through a third person. Christina, though visibly concerned with his hand, refuses to give in and speak to him. She kept getting various innocent individuals to question Burke about his tremors. And the way Burke coolly shakes everything off makes it extra funny, him being irritatingly sarcastic and childish. No wonder Addison told him that he’s pathetic.

Even things were looking a bit up for George during the episode. His dad’s heart surgery was successful and he kind of made up with Callie. They doing the funny ‘uh-huh’ dance in the room when they were assured by the pee that Mr. O’Mailey’s kidneys aren’t failing. And George’s two brothers looking on in bewilderment at the both. George is finally smiling!

And in this episode, we see a little more of Izzie. About her $8.7 million cheque and her pleas with Bailey to scrub in with her patient’s surgery. It was cute seeing her and George/Bailey having a debate about the money. Even funnier when she finally took the cheque to the bank to have it deposited. Not before she wailed and brawled (to the shock of the banker), and eventually snapped at the banker to deposit the cheque. I hope she is ready to move on.

Derek and Meredith had some hilarious scenes here. He finds her snoring a tad too hard to sleep with and she doesn’t know why he always will wake up before her. Basically still basking in happiness. I laughed when she realized Derek slept on George’s bed because he couldn’t handle the snoring. And I laughed even harder when she discovered that Derek always sleeps on the couch (when they are in Meredith’s house), set the alarm and climb back into bed to her before she wakes up. And if they are over at Derek’s trailer, he sneaks out to sleep on some hammock outside the trailer. Haha! Meredith told him she is a girl with abandonment issues and she wants him to sleep with her and not off onto some hammock.

So just as I thought that how sweet and funny this episode is, the writers slowly pull us back to reality. Kind of mean and hard to swallow but very true and real. Things start to go down a bit, for everyone. The episode ended with most of them either hanging their heads, having a distant look in their eyes or a face that seems to reel from pain. Seems like it aint so bright and shiny anymore? After the laughs, the characters once again seemed weighed down by the situations in their lives.

George needed his two roommates to hold his hands as he worried about his dad. Multi-organ failure doesn’t sound that nice a condition to be anticipating. The cancer has spread, and the surgery might be too extensive for him. Now George isn’t smiling anymore.

Burke and Christina stared at each other in silence. They really do have a queer relationship.

Bailey hung her head while the Chief looked on, worried about George’s dad and wondering if they had made the right choice to remove the tumor though it is dangerous.

The smug and cocky Mark for once looked defeated; he looked as if he needed some assurance. Addison told him she is sorry that he is hurting. He shot back that he wonders if she is sorry that HE is hurting or she is just sorry before walking away. Reeling from pain doesn’t seem like something that will come from him. And for this very once, I feel sorry for him.

Meredith is rattled, about her dad’s appearance in the hospital with his other family. In him she saw abandonment. And that feeling just kept coming stronger every time she met him. Lucky for her, at least Derek was there for her.

Oh, I predict things will get awkward for Alex and Addison in coming episodes. They have a thing for each other. And I salute Alex for ruining Mark’s morning by messing up his coffee. The only reason why he did that was to get back at Mark for being rude to Addison. I always suspect Alex has a sweet sensitive side that will be very charming. I also liked the scene that had both of them in individual lifts, thinking about what could happen in the nursery if the nurse didn’t walked in.

I can’t wait for next Thursday to come!

2007-01-11T11:26:00.000-08:00

They say when you grow up you are able to take more things on your own. Why does it seem the reverse for me? After everything and anything, I still wish for picture perfect. There is an overwhelming need to confront, but for once holding back seems to be a more suitable course.

Then I found out that for most of us, it is easier to be wrong than to be right. Ironic isn’t it? This natural inclination we have, despite knowing what is the correct thing to do. I wonder if the part where we try damn hard to be righteous and proper is what being a human is all about. Struggling. I don’t know.

And oh, don’t we all love the chase? When it is all so wrong but it feels all damn right at the same time. The taunting is almost unbearable, and I see the need to fall. The need to stray and the need for something new. When we finally succumb, will the outcome be what we really wished for? Or do we realize that resisting the fall and being tormented is what we should have done anyway. If life will stop being irritating, maybe people could be really happy. If life is hard, we can get over it; if life is smooth, we can appreciate it. It is when it gets neither here nor there that we don’t know if we should find faults with things, or be contented with second best.

Irritating ain’t it? And I hate it when I think. I hate to have questions that no one has answers to. Maybe some do, but they can’t share. Sharing would means revealing a part of themselves that they have always hide.

I need to understand why you do the things you do. If not I might judge and that would be wrong.

2007-01-09T00:24:00.000-08:00

Blogger seems to be having a little mini-crisis of its own. At least to me.

2007-01-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

School is starting and I know it's time to work extra hard. I just feel sad in many ways. I can't stay at home and I can't have the whole day to slack and do the things I want. No cable! That would be hard :(

I have to say goodbye to Oprah Primetime, One Tree Hill, Desperate Housewives, Friends, According to Jim, Hope and Faith, The King of Queens and my CSI trio.

Boohoohoo :(

2007-01-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

You don't know how angry it feels to watch a player dive during the match until you see it for yourself. Now I know why they criticise Christiano Ronaldo like mad. Funny that it became diving because I was darn sure I was watching a hockey match. *shrugs* Don't say I am mean because I know I am (:

Okay relax, no extreme feelings. Everything is sweet and fine so far. Heh.

2007-01-02T00:00:00.000-08:00

Happy 2007. Goodbye 2006.

I am trying to sound excited.

2006-12-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

I feel somehow that the rainy day calls for a short but proper update. Okay, prehaps not the rainy day but this dead blog is calling for a update. Whichever way, there will be an update.

I just returned home from a in my opinion fantastic team outing with the girls at peishan's place. There were so much fun and laughter just now that I am raelly glad I was present, in the house at that very moment. The dinner was simple, no fanciful stuff, the joy, apparent. Although there were some strings attached(flight to catch and other places to go), but everyone just put aside the 'outside' things for the dinner and enjoyed ourselves.

I met Jasmin and Mich earlier to go peishan's place to cook. Before you start voicing concern about my culinary skills and whether or not I burned her place down, ask everyone about the pasta and fried nuggets I cook! It is very nice, in Mindy's words. *beams* Actually I am beginning to think that I may have quite a flair for cooking? Alright maybe not but it was fun preparing the food with them. Jasmin and I went a bit crazy and peishan's concerns about the both of us in a same kitchen became justified. Damn. Anyhow, their salads were good and so was the brocolli.

Desserts were even better. Today I get my way. FINALLY. I GET MY WAY! YAY! *beams* This is why I love the 11 of them. They say yes to what I want, not because they are spoiling me but because they appreciate my choice. Finally I get to pick the brands of the ice cream I want. And yes! I oot my Haagen Daz's Strawberry Cheesecake and some B&J flavour. Nice. (:

Gift exchange was fun too. I felt like I am the game master because I kind of knew who is getting present for who. Some I asked, some told me themselves. I will give a clue, and usually a very obvious clue, to whoever is guessing. So the exchange was successful. I can't believe chiteng knew I was buying for her already! To think me and leepeng secretly applauded ourselves for our brillant plot of leading chit to choose her own present. So she knew! But anyway, it doesnt matter as long as she likes the present. I like my *ahem* present too, because I appreciate the person who bought the present. But the second piece is a bit erm, naughty? I don't think anyone of you should expect to see me doning it.

After that we sat in the living room, sipping red wine and talking. Actually I didnt really sip the red wine I just sort of gulp it down. I seemed to have this problem of not slowly finishing my drink. The red wine was good because it wasn't bitter. The talking part was even better, because we talked about way too many things. From boys to love lives(which both are non existent in my life), to the past nj canoeing days, to my tyranny ways(which I have forgotten but many remembered -_-"), to hall life and to so many other things. We just laughed and laughed and laughed. And I know if time had permitted us to, we would have gone on and on. But sadly, we had to say our goodbyes.

Today is a good day I hope, even to you whom you know who you are. And I hope even with school starting, every thing will start to look up. Today I realised that maybe I am mildly domesticated. Today I had my strawberry cheesecake. Today I went back home with shumin! Today I fried food without having oil splattered on me. Today I received a super interesting christmas present. Today, I thank God for today. (:

2006-12-26T08:12:00.001-08:00

I feel like I am dead?
Not enough sleep, off to get some now.
Bye (:

2006-12-20T09:12:00.000-08:00

I have been window-shopping past few days in an ultra weak attempt to save money. I know this sounds ironic because when I shop I am taking the very high risk of me spending money when I am supposed to be saving. But these few days the phrase 'The irony of life!' seems to be kind of stuck in my head, I find myself actually relating to that.

Sometimes I just wish from the bottom of my heart that the things I like can be a little little bit cheaper. You know, the clothes, the food and everything. I would really appreciate it if they were cheaper, then in that case I would have nothing to complain about life. Unlike what I am doing now.

Maybe should heed peishan's suggestion: get a someone who will buy things for me. Know what I mean right? Oh wait that just sounds so wrong! Ps, what were you thinking! See the values I learned from shopping with her? Joking. :p Yeah but a real santa claus would be kind of good for my wallet.

Sigh bye.

2006-12-18T09:12:00.000-08:00

The weather now make it almost impossible to be distracted. I think this is a good time for update. The rain has started to pour again and the surrounding is as quiet as can be. I am sitting in front of my laptop, nursing a strained right arm, typing seems better than doing anything else remotely related to using the right arm.

So christmas is coming. With all the hype and festive spirit, I hope everyone get their fair share of the Christmas miracle. I can't wait for Strings on thursday when I get to see my whole team. I just really don't want people celebrating the festival without the birthday boy. That would be odd wouldn't it? And I am very sorry to have stood Deborah up today for her party, my bad I apologise. More parties are coming up and I hope each and everyone enjoy the holidays while we can!

Today was a fun day. No more rotting in hall now that I have ps and OC. We had our basketball match and ps nearly scared me to death with her injuried arm. And so here I say again, if I have the means or the power, I would have prevented this from happening. Unfortunately I don't so I can't. We got driven to the medical centre where the basics were done to address the problem and I am just praying it gets better soon. We OC-ed for two hours then left for town.

I think I was rather helpful today(was I ps?), helping ps while she shopped. I mean she was always the one doing things and looking after me when I was sick, was rather glad to be able to contribute today. Shopping was fun and I saw so many things that I would like to have. But having identifying them as 'wants' rather than 'needs' I didn't get anything in the end. Boohoo. :( From the creators of the Tatty-Ted bear, there is this new brown bear that looks incredibly appealing. Maybe its just me but yeah, the bear pretty much caught my attention. Ps was telling me soft toys aren't practical etc, I think I need to remind her that she is the one who has a bigbigbig snoopy SOFT TOY in her room. But then maybe she will brush it off by saying Snoopy is not a soft toy or something, knowing her. lol.

We had gone through a ridiculous 1.5hr wait for a taxi, it is almost unbelivable. Maybe what our cab driver said was true, the cabs abandoned the old ikea for the new and much hyped up Tampines one. You wouldn't believe what happened during the 1.5hrs of waiting. We had to entertain ourselves. We talked, played, joked, ate and rotted. Talked super alot in the 1.5hrs in a weak attempt to kill time and we found out that when ps is sleepy, she is crazy. It is kind of fun conversing like that while waiting for a stupid cab, it almost made the wait worthwhile.

Talked abit more about the shows I am watching another time(though I think charlene wouldnt want to hear about shows). I need to sleep. Nights!

2006-12-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

So now we are on this topic of pain. I was watching Oprah Primetime just now and the episode featured kids with three kind of hereditary disorders. CIPA(congenital insensitive to pain), Tourette Syndrome and one baby has a pair of conjoined legs. Then of course, there were the usual discussions with the sufferers of these disorders. Except that it appears to be a little ironic to use 'suffer' in the first case because the patient can't feel any pain actually, which is what causes the pain in a way. Oh! the irony of life you say.

Anyway, I thought it sounded interesting to have CIPA. There is this genetic mutation that prevents the formation of the nerve cells responsible for transmitting the signals of pain, heat and cold. Then you could go through life, pain-free, with no phobia for needles, and no friends to laugh at you when you express any fear for pain. Alright the latter was not so applicable but who cares. However, as the mother of the patient shared about how hard it is for the girl to live healthily, my views began to change. She reminded the audience that they don't know how lucky they are, to be able to feel pain. Again you say, the irony of life.

The little girl can't feel anything, which in a way means that she could keep on doing things to hurt herself without knowing how grave it is. She poked her finger INTO her eye which nearly caused her to be blind. She grabbed a burning light bulb that gave her a second degree burn. And when she was a baby, she nearly chewed her fingers up. It is as hard for the family as it can be and although they are handling it beyond themselves, the struggles are ever so evident.

Tourette Syndrome is an inherited neurological disorder with onset in childhood. People suffering from this have physical and vocal tics. A tic is a sudden, repetitive, stereotyped, nonrhythmic, involuntary movement (motor tic) or sound (phonic tic) that involves discrete groups of muscles. They usually have OCD(Obsessive-compulsive disorder) and they can't control what they do sometimes. For some, they can be shaking their heads without wanting to; for others, it may be blinking of their eyes, coughing or twitching of the leg or hand.

It is not life threatening in a way as compared to the first but people with Tourette Syndrome suffer a lot. The kids get mocked by friends in school, they received impatience, teasing and prejudice constantly. It is a struggle, to be treated as a normal person when they are actually a normal person already. The social stigma and it takes a lot out of a kid to handle this properly. There is no cure for it but medication can help. The severity of the tics decreases for most children as they pass through adolescence, and extreme Tourette's in adulthood is a rarity.

From the ways the kids chatted with Oprah, you can see their level of maturity goes beyond what is required for their age. It has been hard growing up and living with this disorder. I got to salute them for living so well with it, despite of many hiccups along the tough road. This should put some of us to shame, with no neurological disorders or biological mutations, we should be living life to the fullest. Some of us are not even living. Then again, it depends a lot on your definition of living.

That aside, I kind of like Oprah Primetime, it's captivating in an interesting way. I am not huge on talk shows but this is beginning to change. So I was reading about Tourette Syndrome and OCD, I came across OCPD. The latter differs from the first by the fact that is it not stress-related, just a personality disorder. And it is really counted as a medical condition if it interferes with the patient's ability to live a normal life. People with OCPD stress the need for perfection in the things they do to a point where it can get a little extreme.

I like arranging things the way I want them to be. Straight, rigid, neat and never out of line. It can get a little obessive at times, and I can spend hours arranging my cd rack or books rack. The article that talked about OCPD suggested that 'Perfectly aligning objects at complete, absolute right angles' can be a sign.

Oh no! I do that all the time! When I was young, I will take a long time to pack my schoolbag. I need all the books to be arrange in a order of the tallest to the shortest. I still do it now though, just that I don't have a lot of books to carry. Then when I started to own cds, I insisted on arranged them in a right angle with respect to the rack. They must be straight, definitely and should never appear to be out of the line. I remember if my sister borrowed the cd and put it back hastily, I will get mad that the cd is not arranged in right angle and will take time to arrange it back. And my handwriting! I was absolutely stupid when I was young. Whenever I sit for my exam, I always write so neatly that I ran out of time to answer the last few questions. That is dumb I know but I have a nagging and tugging feeling if I write not so neatly. Then I will go back and rectify the 'problem'. It was only when I got bigger that I realised answering ALL the questions is more important than answering SOME of the questions NEATLY. I still do it now and then sometimes. The most recent one being my Econs paper, wasted quite some time writing neatly, stupid I know, but I can't help it.

Anyhow, it is definitely not a problem for me. I became more of a slob(relative to when I was young) now that I got older. I like being at home, can I be home all day? And I miss michelle! Random.

2006-12-10T02:51:00.000-08:00

I am reading a book, after a long hiatus away from books that I enjoys reading. Textbook not counted you see. The book is called The Six Questions of Socrates, I just moved past the first questions. Five more to go! Maybe after reading it, I can have my answers to my questions.

I need a couch maybe. One at hall and another one at home. So I can perch and read. Finding a comfortable position to read is kind of hard, I am still on my search. Recently picked up a couple of reads too, unknown author(at least to me) proves to be unpredictable. I truly hope they are worth the while, recently I've done many things not worth the while already. Some how have to learn to balance you see.

Went to the highlife camp after megalife yesterday, it was interesting, but I think I missed out on way too much to comment about anything. Ride home was fun, a last minute decision had us ended up at geylang for beancurd. Then a nice, comfy ride home. Talked to shiying and it was really nice! Shing! We should do it more often! (:

Cell was even better. The kids had their round of routine captain's ball matches. I am beginning to think it has developed into a weekly need. Haha. After captain's ball, we played my new improvised Uno Stacko. Many thanks to sean for digging up his Uno stacko. It was quite fun seeing them trying their very best to be gentle with the bricks/tiles. Especially the boys! All of you better go and read your bible arh, then can get the immunity.

Bye for now. My book is getting more and more interesting.

2006-12-09T09:40:00.000-08:00

Team? My ass.

Everybody does what they think is right, that's the only reason why people do anything anyway. Been long since I have such negative emotions towards anything, it must have really been bad. Look on the bright side, see the good in everyone... How about a loud 'HAHAHA'? That would suffice. But it's okay, since I have already find it meaningless before I even started. When you start low, you don't fall much.

Too idealistic, too emotional, too extreme. Just a little too much of 'too' nowadays. Too retarded? That would be correct too. Frustration takes a new high, but as if it matters if its a new high or a new old. Somethings are just so glaringly obvious, I feel like smacking whoever that tries to paint otherwise.

Give me back my peishan,michelle,jasmin,rachel,tsinli,xintian,
shumin,leepeng,chiteng,VANESSA,mindy. And I will be good I promise.

CRAP.

2006-12-08T09:14:00.001-08:00

I feel like slapping myself upside down, inside up.

2006-12-06T16:49:00.000-08:00

We(me chit jo) went to Toy'R'Us, and all we see is leepeng to our dismay. Apparently Chit had so much fun playing that she went abit bonkers. Leepeng! buy a cap for me! I need to cover up my ugly hair..... boohoo.

2006-12-05T08:52:00.000-08:00

It is so boring in hall! :(

My roomie is working, my neighbour is sick, so technically, I am left alone to entertain myself. I wanted to read a book but my eyes are tired. I wanted to watch a show but I have ran out of things to watch. I wanted to surf the net but that will make my eyes tear. Lucky for today, I had leepeng to go out with me, if not I will end up like yesterday, bored and whining.

Yesterday was supposed to be eventful, supposed to have sort of road trip to JB. But things happened, then it was cancelled. A tad frustrated but it's okay. Today was way better, had hockey training which got me sunburnt then it was off to meet leepengpeng. We watched Open Season which was quite heartwarming and cute(read: nothing spectacular) and I bought some stuff. Thank you leepengpeng! Although you hit my leg until very pain just now(chit's ball was more painful) I really thank God that I have you to spend time with!

Everything was good. But I think that whole thing wasn't good. And with the question posted, I sort of knew my answer.

I don't want to be a player actually.

2006-12-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

The Freedom We Know

We're gonna dance dance dance
In the freedom we know
We're gonna dance dance dance
In the freedom we know

We're gonna dance dance dance
In the freedom we know
Because the freedom we know is gonna last forever

The world turns in all of its way
But I'm soul set on a holy name
And when all earth is said and done
Still I will praise Him

There's no end to the love that He gives
And now broken dreams have life again
In the hope of the risen King
So let us praise Him

A mystery unthinkable
That He took the fall just to save my soul
Now to love is the life I know
On and on and on we’ll be singin’

Soul set free in the One I love
Oh come on come on
And let the whole earth sing
In the freedom we know
So come on come on and praise Him

Come come all the lost and the found
Let us rise up with a holy sound
All the earth unified as one
Just to praise Him

In full view with nothing to hide
Like a city on a hill we're gonna shine
In the light of Your freedom
Let us praise Him

This is so the song of the moment in Megalife. And for once, I truly really felt like dancing. (:

2006-12-03T07:42:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to do this but was in hold because of exams. As you guys already known, I have been watching Grey's Anatomy and House and today I would like to talk about this Season 3 for both shows. No major spoilers ahead so fans of these two shows can continue reading. Both shows are into their season 3 now after a hugely successful season 1 and 2. I think Grey is doing slightly better than House in terms of rating and I personally think it is because of Derek's hair (ha!).

Alright so now Grey's is into its 11th episode already. This season saw more characters developing and more relationships blossoming. It is interesting because it is no longer just about Meredith and Derek then a bit on George or Izzie or Christina. I think one of the episodes actually has more coverage on Christina and Burke relative to Meredith. Past few episodes have been a little intense. Christina and Burke's secret is going way out of control, George has way too many issues to deal with, the chief wants to step down and Izzie is... well nothing much about her. The only people who seem to be doing really well are surprisingly Derek and Meredith! Somebody applaud to that please. Season 2 is like how tragic for these two. I am glad that the producers are humane enough to make them reconcile in Season 3, if not I think all of us will die watching the both of them.

My interest is definitely on George now. T.R Knight’s performances in these past episodes have been outstanding to say the least; I can see where the most supporting actor came about. George’s issues seem to get bigger and heavier, he really looks as if he is suffocating already. First Callie has been an absolute meanie to him, refusing to talk to him and George found out that she has been sleeping with Sloan. First blow. Then George found out about Burke’s trembling hand, he got worried about his friend who refuses to talk to him about it. Lastly, George’s dad got admitted into the hospital and they found he had stage 3 cancer (forgot where). Double blow. Then Christina found out that the elder O’Mailey’s heart valves needs a replacement while doing an echo. So now he has got a heart condition. Triple blow.

So things are tough for George. And it got tougher when they overlapped. Burke was scheduled to operate on his dad and this drove George crazy. George knew something wrong is with Burke’s hand but Burke is keeping mum about it, and this is his father we are talking about. Their relationship deteriorates and everything just weighs down on him. T.R Knight has been doing a good job portraying a going-to-burst George. You should have seen the sheer intensity in those kind eyes, something you hardly get from George. It’s like he wants so much for Christina to tell the truth yet he imposes it ever so gently on her. No shouting no demanding, just pleading nicely on his part. No prize for guessing why Christina calls him bambi.

The spotlight is on George now, with Christina and Burke following close. The Chief wants Burke to replace him, Burke knew he couldn’t and to his horror, Christina spills out on him before he had a chance to confess to the chief. Things are escalating; with the arrow being pointed at Christina. Izzie haven’t been doing much, literally. She is banned from interacting with patients but she does spend some time with Alex, and I kind of like this friendship that is ongoing. Talk about ongoing, speculations are high about Alex and Addison, who knows, we might see something. The only really ‘normal’ people have got to be Derek and Meredith. Nice to see them chirpy for a change, progressing well and lots of giggles around. Alright stop shuddering. I guess the next few episodes are going take us more into the George’s issues and Christina-Burke’s problem.

House on the other hand has been intense too! What is with all these intensity, the writers just love having the audience burning out right? It’s a little less topsy-turvy in House and I think things should start to get better already. Tritter the irritating cop has been increasing the heat on the people around House, Wilson is already defeated, and House’s staff is the next. That insane cop did everything within his ability, freezing bank accounts, carrying out interrogations and searching House’s home (ha!). This brings Wilson just a little over the edge where he is ready, to sell House out.

So everyone around him is feeling the heat but the one who feels the weight most has got to be House himself, although he might not have shown it. He doesn’t have enough Vicodin and this alone is driving him crazy. It got so bad that he actually, for the first time in these 3 seasons, failed to make a correct diagnosis about a patient. I guess he is going to break soon if this goes on. We have seen how he is when he undergoes detox – nasty. Hugh Laurie is on familiar ground again I think, he has done ‘House-going-through-detox’ before. Only this time House suffers more, with Tritter busting him and his pain increasing. His bestest buddy (in his words) is just getting ready to betray him and his staff is nowhere near sympathetic because of their frozen bank accounts.

Ohhh intensity, I like. Just hope things will clear up soon for both Grey’s and House. I mean don’t go into Christmas with such heavy and sad storylines would you? It dampens the spirit! Haha.

2006-12-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

There was exam, and then there was camp. Everything passed by so quickly, quicker than the blink of peishan's very small eyes and even quicker than you can say 'peishan who?'. Exam and camp overlapped in a very irritating awkward way, ask the nus people and they will testify to that. I really must thank them for making the extra effort to come down for camp(crystal!) even though they have papers the very next day. *salute* And through this I see what really matters to them.

Exam was bad but camp was awesome! It occurs to me that this could really be a life transforming experience for many and I am so glad that I went for camp. Aren't you all? And this is not cliche because I am not a cliche kind of person. Rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, how awesome is that! And I think 'awesome' is so the word now, made popular by Pastor Chris. Anyway, I don't know how can I begin to speak of what the camp was about. The workshops, games and services. I just can say I learned a lot. And the rest is pretty personal.

Special mention to my dearest camp comm for pulling me along throughout the camp, I must have been some serious deadweight. Carissa, Toby, Johannes, Shiying, Persis and of course Ben. And to the two camp commandants, David and Louelle, many thanks for being the camp comm's voice and running the programs with us. Oh oh! To all the domain leaders, thank you for being this awesome and wonderful bunch of leaders that helped us in so many significant ways, really couldn't have done the camp without you guys. I remember our great debrief that night when everyone was super sleep deprieved. When we talk about the last workshop and shared our difficulties. I remember Carissa being super high, giggling almost at everything. Then there was the joke ongoing about Cze kin and Abby(woah! am i suppose to be typing this here btw?). Then Nat's struggles about being a mocker. Nahnah they all suddenly gone mad and everyone just started speaking really loudly and in a while the whole room was full with screaming, sleep-deprieved people. Germaine spoke to herself using 2 walkie-talkies, how cool is that. I remember all these and it brings warmth to my heart. (:

More about the workshops another time. Just to sum up that God moved strongly, very strongly in this camp. I love to see my p6ers respond to God and making their stand for Christ. I want to be like them too, making a stand for my Jesus. I want to start making my days count and to be quick to do what I promised Him I would do. And as I type this I can already think of people who will scoff at what I wrote, thinking what is this need to make everything so spiritual? 'Are you just trying to sound holy? What is this need to relate everything to God?' I can think of names already but I cannot explain the joy being in the King's court for one day compared to a thousand days in this world. I can't put into the words but I am not looking for understanding, so it is okay.

Oh a point to note, I can't run and shelve anymore. I am a runner yes I know, but I just can't do this anymore. Who knows, the previous action may have affected me in ways that I couldn't imagine. Okay, the elaboration will come later, let's move to the smaller things.

Exam is over! So many things I want to do before, but suddenly seem to forget about them already. Anyway, met up with lp, ps and chit on friday. Had a great time just hanging around, eating proper food(camp food was abit.. erm) and we watched Happy Feet. Not a bad flick, kind of like Nicole Kidman and Elijah Woods' voices. But I watched it with a throbbing headache, probably why I didn't come out thinking it was that awesome. I want to do this with them more often, I miss my team. I have already booked most of them for 21st Dec's Strings. I really hope everyone will come and do this together(we have never watched a musical together before!). Thanks to those that already gave their promise, I appreciate this alot. (:

I met up with deborah today! Happy happy! Even though ern and nicky weren't kind, seeing her was a big fat redeeming factor. So one of my resolution is to meet her more often this holiday before she flies off to charlene, another friend that I want to meet but cannot meet(boohoo!). What will I do without both of them man. And I am going to meet chuhan! Miss that silly girl loads. Have to catch her before she flies off to her boyfriend in Japan(boohoo!). See, have to catch all my friends before they fly off to someone else, hahah. And I have got a special date with the phang sisters and crazy eugenia(seriously crazy I mean). So things are looking up. I guess I need to be around these people that matters. Of course, hopefully can spend some time with shiying, persis, tianying and jingen(who will not be free at all because of Strings). JB on monday sounds good but stupid ernie says he doesn't want me to go, very evil.

Oh no I think I am ranting already. Okay bye for now!

2006-11-25T08:27:00.000-08:00

Bee Gees - How Deep Is Your Love

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again
And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave
And it's me you need to show

How deep is your love, how deep is your love
I really mean to learn
'Cause we're living in a world of fools
Breaking us down when they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You're the light in my deepest, darkest hour
You're my savior when I fall
And you may not think that I care for you
When you know down inside that I really do
And it's me you need to show

I remember how we used to always sing this, one of the many things that binds.

I leave each exam hall like I have just been in trauma. After this exam period I think I might jolly well have PTSD. Sighpie.

2006-11-24T03:58:00.000-08:00

I was walking in a car park and a car doing a reverse nearly knocked me down. You know there are times when I hate it when I false start, too quick to react for my own good they say. Today I count my blessing that I was able to dodge this van that was trying to accelerate my citizenship in heaven.

So there I was, arms full of food and everything, getting a rude shock when the van came too close for comfort. I quickly moved away and I find it hard to tell you how angry I was after walking away. I mean Hello! Are you trying to kill me or something? Then after a while, in the process of curbing my own fury undesirable anger, I realized that the driver most probably didn't intend to murder me. I mean, I don't know him and he doesn't look like he's crazy. I most probably was in a blind spot that he couldn't spot me, so he did his reverse anyway.

So now we are on this topic of blind spot (partially inspire by GA's latest episode and my little 'run-in' with the van today). We all have our blind spot, figuratively and literally. Every normal eye has a scotoma in its field of vision, usually termed its blind spot. The presence of this normal scotoma does not intrude into consciousness because it is very small, but it is there. Don’t understand? For those Naruto fans, you should know that Neji/Hinata’s byakugan has a blind spot too. The only place where they can’t see even with their elevated vision. And figuratively, there are things or areas in our lives that we choose to ignore. Point to note though blind spots does not equate to soft spots. What’s yours?

Alright, enough of blind spots. Not exactly my choice of topic suddenly(yes I am fickle), am more inclined to speak a bit about disappointments. I was just talking to people about results and disappointments. I think a lot of times when people let us down, we feel miserable. We wonder why it has to be this way. But what is worse than being disappointed is being the disappointment. Some of us go very hard on ourselves for that.

I can’t recall the number of times I know I have been a disappointment. To everyone, anyone, especially God. I don’t know how many times I know people are waiting for me to apologize but I choose to keep quiet. Or the times when I had the ability to make things better I choose to protect myself. Many things could have just been brighter, easier and shinier, I just can’t seem to shake this off me, can’t seem to convince myself that I should do so much more.

After a while, I figure it is really very hard to live by principles. It’s not that I don’t want to be right I just need to be more hardworking. Sometimes I do wonder why some things that seem exceedingly easy for one can look so bad on me. Then after a while more I stop trying to prevent myself from being a disappointment. I stop thinking about disappointment. I figure that maybe some things can really be shelved away. Like maybe everything can be on a lighter note if I want them to, and so far, it works.

Don’t worry, I don’t have any issues. Okay, back to energy balance :)
The music is really good now.

2006-11-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

Insomnia is what you really dont want to get in the middle of the exam period. My brain just seem unable to shut down. If I sleep I get long, complex and complicated dream, a good sign that parts of the brain aren't resting when I am. If I dont sleep, well, I simply get insomnia. Which is bad, really bad.

Anyway, just to recall a certain funny conversation I had with silin just now. She is super funny, one person that cracks me up without even trying to most of the times. We were talking about our lecturers(no prize for guessing why we came to that) and the way we address them. It went something like that:

Chiteng: We address them by their full name. Like Wu 'Guohua' that kind.
Me: Really? Ha we talk about them using their name.
Silin: Wah, use their names ah, like their friends like that.
Me: Ya cause they address each other by their names to us anyway. Timothy always say like 'I don't know how William does it...'. He calls my the other lecturer William. So we follow lo.
Silin: Mine is the best, we are more endearing. I call Liu Chuan Fa(her lecturer), 'Ah Fa GE'. More cool right!

Ha seriously, it came to me as rather hilarious. Ha (:

2006-11-21T07:21:00.000-08:00

Remember how i use to comment that i wonder why God gives those nobel laureates all the brains to discover so many things? I think im on this today again, after all the physical chem equations that i have to shove down my throat. I got a few crazy ideas! Haha must be all the studying. You see, all the names of the scientists and their prized equations and theories just make me so confused! I wish for simpler names of equations(simpler equations if possible) so i wont have a hard time thinking who came up with what so as to not use the wrong equations.

Maybe should just let smarties with short first name invent the equations.
Eg. the CHAN's(chiteng) Law: blah + blah / blah equals to blahblahblah
Wah you see the CHAN part is easier to remember as compared to Raoult's Law. I cant even spell w/o referring to my text.

Next, shouldn't let partners work together and come up with something together
I know the sharing and working hand-in-hand thing is really nice but not so nice when it comes to the name. See now we refer the DNA structure to the Watson-Crick structure. It's like such a big hassle? Ha should just give the ingenious ideas to one guy and period.
Example of messy long names of equations:

Debye-Huckel Equation, Clausius-Clapeyron equation(personally dislike this the most)

Lastly, no german/dutch/hard-to-pronouce-or-spell scientists coming out with equations that i have to memorise
I cant memorise without really verbalising, i cant verbalise without knowing how to pronouce the name.
Eg van't hoff equation

Hahah i am too demanding i think. Really shouldn't be here. bye!!!

2006-11-20T21:58:00.000-08:00

Ah, let me steal some time to blog. This is not neccessary but i think i want to do this, before hitting Physical Chemistry.

We have come a long way in our path of taking examinations. How we do not have to study in primary school to study in secondary school to study super hard in junior college. My grades seem to be dipping in an uncomfortable fashion when it shouldn't. Then again, grades aside, the process of studying for exams is never easy. Having to sit for an exam takes away the joy in learning the subject because we do it as it is conditional. But having the exam is essential in many sense, in this elite system we practise where many fell victim to.

Primary school was really great, minimal amount of hitting the books. Secondary was alright, memorising and doing, just need to put in the effort. Junior college was bearable, studying and not getting the results became a norm after a while. Then your expectations start to relax, you stop being THIS hard on yourself(you realise you cant be getting 90/100 for everything). Then when you come uni, you learn to stop whining about having not enough time to revise. You learn to prioritize everything and you learn to maximise whatever you have to the fullest. So education is a learning process, a progressive and hard journey when a lot of times you fumble against your wish. Many a times, the fumble could cost you unimaginable consequences, but you move and roll along anyway.

This is absolutely random. Then again beside studying, there leaves many situations for you to deal with. Sometimes I look around and I see many vicious situations that are just waiting to eat me up. Okay to make it less scary, I see many quicksands that are wanting to swallow me up and sometimes I really just want to stop struggling and go with it. Go with the wrongs and go with the easy. And these are the times when God tightens His hold on me. So many situations, so many underserving treatments. Sometimes there is like this balloon within me that is waiting to burst, waiting to cause damage. The next thing I know God takes it and deflate it gently. Like how He always does.

And this sweet amazing grace showed me more than anything else could ever did. Even though the world says NO I know God says OK. And I know I'm a bad person, but yet He kept me away from the potential damage that could do more wrong to me than right. The only reason why I want to be better is because Jesus inspires me to. Now that Christmas is coming, I hope He gives those who are struggling, a better reason to believe than what the world can offer.

On a lighter note, study hard ntu peeps. A week more to go before we can smile in the face of everyone whos exams just started. Now that's evil so do it to your friends only, in case your actions infuriates strangers who might just beat you up. Hang in there! When exams is over, I can think of so many other things to do. Hahh. (:

2006-11-20T00:35:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I mean seriously kids, go play somewhere else okay.
Go play in those blogs with glittery stars and cutesy forever friends bears and what have you. This is not a playground, it's dull, it's boring and most importantly ITS GROWN UP. (: So shoo, go click on somebody(or some blog in this sense) your own mentality to dabble with. I know PSLE is over and you are oh-so-bored at home, why don't you pick an encyclopedia and start reading from A? You know, kind of help with the too much time to spare and too du** to do anything else problem you have.

kids.

2006-11-18T09:42:00.000-08:00

Seriously, what were you doing when you were a p6?

Were you like so consumed by the electronic age that everything you do has got to be cyber-ly related? Nothing wrong with jumping on the bandwagon but you know, we shouldn't waste our time doing moronic things.

Okay seriously I know my name is nice but if you like to tag on the damn tagboard use your own name instead of mine. Because when I was a p6 I remembered I wanted nothing more than to be just myself. You know the whole self-sufficient and feeling pretty much secured thing help a lot. If you need help in those areas, find an adult to talk to alright? We adults are very patient people(that is if you stop using my name).

So, stop doing stupid things, try your best to grow up and remember that I for once, do not tag at any p6er's tagboard. Nothing wrong with you guys or what, it is just that I find it utterly disturbing to visit a blog with very invasive music(against my choice) blasting at me suddenly. Don't you just find that very irritating or is it just a grown-up thing?

*roll eyes*

This is me being nice already. Sarcasm was played down by so much because I have such high tolerance for cute little kids. And oh if you are the bugger that just love me so much to leave the 70 spamming tags, so sorry if you can't spam anymore. Your ip is just kind of banned you see, I have very low tolerance for *ahem*, I so don't want to use the word 'stupidity'.

Oops, I think I just did. Sorry, my bad. Bye for now.

2006-11-17T05:15:00.000-08:00

Different people have different thresholds for various different things. One could smile in the face of ten noisy 3 years-olds and I know of someone who just will kill them if she could (I am so not talking about you Karen). It's this difference in the threshold that makes people interesting.

Individual should have a certain amount of Total Threshold. We then dispatch different level of tolerance to different kind of situations, in a sense we use accordingly to what we already have. It becomes a positional kind of relationship when increasing the amount for one leads to an inevitable decrease from another.

Don't get what I mean? Imagine a full beaker of water, let's say 250ml. Next think of several small test tubes. Filling the test tubes of water drains the main resource (beaker) and when the main resource drains out, you have to take from neighboring test tubes.

Some people have very high threshold of pain, like a very strong and fortified defense mechanism they build to keep people out. Maybe the keeping of people out is not very intentional, just that they do so without even knowing it. Then the theory makes sense, channeling this huge amount of ‘available water’ to this threshold of pain drains their other thresholds. So it’s a balancing act we must perform, in order to stop ourselves from tipping over one edge.

There are many ways to define threshold. The dictionary does so in by stating it as the point at which a stimulus is of sufficient intensity to begin to produce an effect. To me it’s more like the maximum level of tolerance for something. More simply the ability to withstand a particular condition. I guess it would be fun to understand your own thresholds, because if we bank on the thresholds we know are relatively high we should be more comfortable with what we do.

I have very high tolerance for kids (noisy or not) and almost zero tolerance for everything else. HAHA! Don’t worry that is so not true. I don’t know my own threshold; last I was told my threshold of pain is relatively low. I beg to differ though; I just don’t enjoy having needles on my feet that’s all. Alright fine, maybe I should admit I have low threshold of PHYSICAL pain. I have a high threshold of repetition I think. Is that the way it should be phrased? But anyhow, what I meant is that I can take many repetitions before I actually get bored. I can eat the same thing 7 times a week without complaint; I can watch the same show over many times. It is not so much about not wanting to change or the need to seek familiarity, but more of being alright with repetitions.

I know I cannot stand bad smell. I react strongly to smell. I know Peishan is coming because I can smell her (sweat smell or deodorant smell). Okay that just make me sound like a dog but seriously, smell does get to me. Don’t get me wrong ps! Nothing wrong with you. What draws me will be a person with a nice smell (chit you know who right!), it just seems to add some plus points about the person.

Okay, I have been pointless and I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. Maybe it’s the exams stress that has induced me to rant. Good luck peeps for all the papers that have yet to come. I can’t wait for exams to be over soon. My list of What-to-do-after-exams seems to be getting longer than my notes. Bye for now!

2006-11-14T09:38:00.000-08:00

Very, very *ahem*. Shall refrain from using the word that I really want to use. But I like (:

Hope the Medan Mission Trip Team is shining as brightly as possible for Christ now!

2006-11-09T00:16:00.000-08:00

Been out, with an infection nontheless. The common cold decided to pay a surprise visit on sunday night and before I had a chance to react, the symptons came full-blown in less than 24 hours. Funny how a few days ago I just lamented to myself about it's been long since I fell sick. You know, you should always be careful of what you wish(I didn't wish for this though) for. My body immune system is sleeping, I concluded and this left me writhing on my bed for a couple of days.

I forgot since when did my inflammed tonsils became so hard to bear with, they just seem to get worse each time the flu came. They are threatening enough to make me drag myself to visit the medical centre soon enough to see a Doc. When the symptons come full-blown like that, I know my Dorithricin won't work already. The only course of treatment would be to get started on antibiotics. So I guess it was a good few days of Detox? I think I drank more water and ate more fruits in these few days than I ever would in one healthy month. Kind of last minute but hey, at least I tried alright.

Being sick in hall is really not as miserable as they say, maybe cause I have fantastic people around me. Joanne brought me some herbal drink that I would never touch if not for my throat. Totally not for human consumption because it is really bitter plus it stinks. Then my roomie was ever so supportive, listening to me whine and being very kind and nice. Ps! Sorry for demanding porridge and had to make you go out and buy at midnight, my bad but thanks. Think that porridge made me feel stronger! So I'm kind of well now, just couldn't talk without sounding really sexy :p

Things are a bit crashing down. With exams coming dangerously near and th preparation level still dangerous low. Still have other stuff to complete and for once in this semester, I feel irritatingly suffocated. Maybe it is the cold or whatever, can't wait for EVERYTHING to be over. Anything and everything, I really want nothing.

So.. we all need help sometimes. No matter what we are or who we are, it's impossible to be self-sufficient everytime. We need time to accept the things that God hasn't allowed us to change. We need some time alone in the situation we can't deal with. Like how time stop and everything goes in slow motion, replaying over and over again. We need that, definitely, to prepare ourselves for what's beyond this situation. And when we finally are ready to face/deal with it, we will get up and we will move on.

Christmas is coming, don't celebrate it without the birthday boy.